#098 Krabby

Creative!

Someone at GameFreak said, “Draw a cartoon crab!”

And now we have Krabby.

What’s that, you say? I’m just making things up? Well, you’re right. I don’t have any direct evidence linking this claim to reality, but I do have some anecdotal evidence. First off, just, I mean, just look at it! It’s literally a cartoon crab! Secondly, Krabby’s name. It’s just crabby with a K instead of a C. That’s it. And don’t even get me started on its Japanese name.

Or do. It’s Crab. Literally crab. You can’t make this up people! Or, well, I suppose you can, but I’m not!

Here’s Krabby enjoying a [JELLY DONUT]

I’m finding it very difficult to write about Krabby, much in the same way that I’d find it difficult to write about a real crab. Except Krabby is worse. Were this an article about a real crab I could go on about how crunchy crabs are if you step on them, or how I’ve never eaten a crab. I’ve eaten fake crab though, like in crab cakes and such. Like I’ve said before, I live nowhere near a coast so chances are that most of the seafood I’ve ever experienced has been processed. Like fish sticks. Fish sticks are great.

“I THOUGHT THIS ARTICLE WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT ME.”

Fake crab meat is actually made out of a finely pulverized white fish meat that is then shaped to resemble a crab’s legs. There’s like 10 more steps to the process, but they’re not particularly important, I just thought you should all know that they’re still made of fish, even if they’re not really crab.

I’ve only ever had it in crab salad though. I really want to expand my horizons in seafood and crab-based cuisines, but the opportunities for that don’t really exist here. At least, not in a way I’m all that interested. I’m sure I could find myself a nice seafood dinner somewhere in town if I really wanted, but it’d probably come at a premium price, and I’m not all about that. I’d rather just walk to my grocery store, pick up some fake crab meat, and throw it into stuff. It’s still pretty good (At least to me) even if it’s not real.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME!

I’ve never even had clam chowder, which literally everyone in the history of humanity tells me is a delicious thing. I’ve been meaning to try some sometime, but I never have. The only reasonably fresh seafood I think I’ve ever had is shrimp, which I love. I was going to go on about how I love to just pop whole shrimps into my mouth and pretend like I’m a big scary shark or something, but then I remembered that popcorn shrimp exists. As much as I love regular shrimp, I still vastly prefer the deep-fried and not-at-all like the original tasting version.

Man. Writing about seafood has made me really hungry. Who wants to come to Long John Silver’s© (REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I’M NOWHERE NEAR THE COAST?) with me?.

TIME TO GET THAT FREE MONEY!

DID YOU KNOW?

The last bit of that was a joke, by the way. I know I shouldn’t have to say it, because the thought of Long John Silver’s advertising on an extremely obscure Pokemon blog of all places is laughable at best and the single most desperate attempt to stay relevant at worst. But I feel the need to say it just in case there’s any conspiracy nuts out there who despise being advertised to with every fiber of their being.

“I don’t like where this is going.”

I do have to wonder about the people like that, though. I mean, advertising is literally everywhere. Hell, I’m pretty sure this blog has ads on it. I don’t make any money off of them, but I imagine that WordPress somehow gets a little bit of money from what I’m doing in order to continually offer this (terrible) service for free. But how does someone who is violently opposed to all forms of supposed to get by on a day to day basis? I can’t imagine you’d be able to watch TV, because that’s riddled with ads. If you buy all your TV via DVD or BluRay they even come with ads at the beginning! I guess if you go to like, Netflix exclusively or something an argument can be made.

Anyway, I got a little off track there for awhile. The point is, lighten up a little people. I don’t make any money off of this, so when I make a joke about the delicious 8-piece fried Shrimp combo available now at Long John Silver’s© for only $7.29! What a deal!

Oh, also Krabby says “cookie” in the anime instead of its name. It’s silly, but it wasn’t enough to write a full section on.

USING KRABBY IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

Look at that Attack stat. I think that’s the highest Attack stat for Little Cup that I’ve covered so far. It may be the highest Attack stat for Little Cup period, but don’t quote me on that.

50 Speed isn’t the best, but it’s certainly workable. Give Krabby Agility, and oh my goodness if you can pull off that Agility you’ll have yourself a team wrecking machine. If you think you can pull off a second turn of boosting then Swords Dance is a great secondary move, otherwise you’ll want three attacks to use. Crabhammer is the obvious favorite, being a fantastic Water-typed STAB with only 90% Accuracy as its drawback. After that, Return, and Knock Off are also excellent contenders. Rock Slide, X-Scissor, and Brick Break are just about Krabby’s only other options for coverage though. Superpower is swappable with Brick Break if you want a much weaker version without the obvious downside of having your attack lowered after using it. Hyper Cutter is the best option for an ability, and either Berry Juice or Eviolite will increase Krabby’s survivability.

Krabby is extremely frail on the Special Defense front though, so use it cautiously.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 1/5
It’s literally a cartoon crab.

DESIGN: 1/5
It’s literally a cartoon crab.

BATTLE: 4/5
Hilarious Attack, solid Defense, and terrible everything else. Made less terrible thanks to Little Cup though.

I LEARNED A LOT: ABOUT KRABBY/TODAY
You’re welcome.

OVERALL: 2/5
Everyday I’m scuttlin’

#097 Hypno

There’s nothing to be afraid of, children.

I’ve been very busy most of this month and will continue to be busy for the next couple of months. Luckily, I’m not nearly as busy as I was last month, so I am going to cut back to only updating every other day, but at least I’ve got plenty of time if I do that!

Anyway, Hypno, is creepy. There’s no two ways around it. I mean, crazy people were going after Alakazam and Kadabra in an attempt to demonize Pokemon, but the perfect example of horror was sitting right under their nose. It’s even a yellow-colored Psychic type too! That weird, sickly yellow color. Hypno is completely naked. I know, I know, most Pokemon are completely naked, but Hypno has no defining features on its body whatsoever. It’s just a glob of yellow clay molded into a humanoid figure. There are no distinctive markings, it has no differently colored underbelly, its hands and feet are uniform, nothing. The only thing that separates its body is a furry, white collar around its neck that is separated enough to make it look like it was just glued there. Also, it holds a pendant.

Ever heard of hypnosis?

A lot of people like to paint Hypno as an anti-semitic Pokemon. This is where the blog is going to get a little dark, so let me just outright state that the following could be a little much for sensitive people. I know because it’s the first time I ever felt uncomfortable doing research for a Pokemon article.

Anyway, a lot of people like to claim that Hypno is an anti-semitic Pokemon. I personally don’t think this is true, because, well, one of the common claims that links the two together is pretty racist (They both steal your dreams! GET IT?! LOL@@@). However, that big hooked nose is definitely reminiscent of the typical racist caricature, and, well, while doing research I came across this.

Ew ew ew

This is the movie poster to, “The Eternal Jew”. It’s a propaganda film that was released in 1940, and it’s really quite anti-semitic, in case you couldn’t tell by the horrible caricature right there. It portrayed the Jewish people as an uncivilized, parasitic people who were responsible for all of Germany’s problems at the time, most notably unemployment. It claimed they were abnormal, and depraved, and that culture as a whole had suffered in their presence. It continues with some shocking images of animals being slaughtered, before closing on footage of a speech by Adolf Hitler himself.

Now, I don’t think you need me to tell you that this film was certainly a product of its time, but a lot of people like to draw similarities between the movie’s poster, and Hypno. The nose is the big one for most people, but the furry collar around Hypno’s neck is compared to the facial hair around his face, and such. There’s a barely-passing resemblance in facial structure as well, but I think that line’s a bit too nebulous myself.

So, is Hypno racist? I doubt it. I firmly believe that this is only a coincidence, and not intended by anyone at GameFreak. Still, I do find it interesting how people will to this very day run to complain about Jynx, and be completely unaware of another potentially offensive Pokemon in their midst.

LET’S END ON A LIGHTER NOTE, HAVE HYPNO DOING SWEET YOYO TRICKS.

DID YOU KNOW?

I mean, the similarities to a propaganda film’s poster are creepy and all, but there is something that is much more conventionally creepy about Hypno. Its Pokedex entries. Let me cherry pick one that proves my point real quick:

It carries a pendulum-like device. There once was an incident in which it took away a child it hypnotized. – Pokemon FireRed

GOD WHY AM I STILL NOT DONE WRITING THIS

So, children can magically become Kadabra’s, and Hypno kidnaps children. There’s actually a few creepypasta stories based off this exact premise. I haven’t read them though, because I find the majority of creepypasta to be trite, and boring, but, hey, I could totally be wrong here!

NOT MORE CREEPY. Click for source btw

Also, that Pokedex entry wasn’t just a silly one-off thing that happened and everyone ignored. A Japanese clothing company actually licensed themselves a few pieces of Pokemon-themed clothing, and Hypno was among the things chosen to receive a shirt. It,  well, it depicted exactly what that Pokedex entry said.

Hypno’s Japanese name is Sleeper because originality

USING HYPNO IN BATTLE

bah hahaha

FINALLY, something thoroughly uncreepy about Hypno. Because Hypno is awful in battle. Simply atrocious. Give it Insomnia as an ability, Leftovers as an item, and pump its HP and Special Defense stats. Protect and Wish are good because that’s all Hypno is good for. If Hypno is near death, you use Wish, then Protect to receive a heal. If Hypno is not, but someone else is, then you use Wish, and switch to another Pokemon, to heal them. It’s just that simple.

Hypno isn’t going to be doing much damage with that hilarious attack stat, but it’s still good to have an attack, so Psychic is good for a third move, while a status move is good for the last slot. Thunder Wave or Toxic is recommended, based on if you feel your team needs more support, or if you want to just use a full-on tank Hypno.

Or, you could just not use Hypno at all. That’ll probably be a better overall gain for your team.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 2/5
I don’t want this thing anywhere near me.

DESIGN: 1/5
Is it supposed to be racist? Or haunt my dreams before stealing them?

BATTLE: 1/5
Legitimately hilarious.

TIME TO: HAVE/NIGHTMARES

This will be me tonight

OVERALL: 1.3/5

Female Hypno’s have… much more chest hair than the males?!

#096 Drowzee

I’m so high right now man…

I used to hate Drowzee for a lot of reasons, and one of them was I didn’t even know what it was. I mean, it’s got an elephant trunk-like thing sticking out of its face, but nothing else on its pudgy little body looks like an elephant. I think. Truth time, I don’t spend much of my day looking at elephants, so I could be completely wrong here.

Drowzee is based on a Tapir, an animal that, aside from the way its spelled, has no interesting features or qualities whatsoever. Or at least, none that I can say here since I try to keep this place safe-for-work aside from the occasional light cursing. Tell you what, instead of explaining the one thing that makes Tapir’s interesting, I’ll show you a picture.

Delicious

A Tapir’s banana is actually prehensile, meaning it can control it in the same way an elephant can control its trunk, or one of us could move our fingers. I’m also pretty sure that in terms of sheer in comparison to the rest of their bodies they may just be the biggest mammals in that regard. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that the banana isn’t covering anymore more than it needs to.

Speaking of bananas, Drowzee.

Do you really think you can defeat me?

Who’s the best at segues? I am!

Anyway, uh, Drowzee. One thing about Drowzee that I’ve always found unusual is that weird brown wavy line that it’s got going on halfway down its body. It looks like terribly drawn brown pants. It also looks like Drowzee was playing around in the mud right before you saw it. This is what I used to think for years, and it made perfect sense. Other people will just say, “What, are you stupid or somethin’? Drowzee’s colored that way because it is. There’s no underlying reason!”

I reject that notion. Because there’s something else that Drowzee strongly resembles, in my opinion. Are you ready for this? There’s a reason I used a banana to censor a tapir’s -ahem-

Still delicious.

First things first. You would not believe how difficult it was to find a picture of a banana that’s been only half-dipped in chocolate and wasn’t covered in toppings. But, one was found, and here we are today. Drowzee super duper reminds me of a chocolate-dipped banana! Unfortunately, I’m sure that Drowzee does not taste good. Like, at all. In fact, if I had to assign a taste to Drowzee it would be… well… I don’t know! I’m not some taste connoisseur! I don’t have an experienced tongue. I can’t detect flavor profiles, or other fancy taste-tester language!

I don’t like Drozee. It’s too stubby and tubby. Plus in Pokemon Stadium its nose would always move in this super creepy way that made me want to stay away. Remember kids, if someone ever tries to hand you a roast Drowzee, just say no!

Or try it, if you’re feeling really daring.

SHOOOOOOORYUKEN

DID YOU KNOW?

Yes, we all know Drowzee is based mostly off a tapir, but did you know that the thing that Drowzee was based off of didn’t look like a tapir at all and became a tapir later so people can just say Drowzee was based off a tapir when that’s only a half-truth.

ARE YOU CONFUSED YET?

So this is what Drowzee is based off of. It’s called a baku, and it’s a supernatural being of Japanese origin. According to legends, a baku basically looks like a crazy creature that’s got an elephant’s trunk, a rhinoceros’s eyes, an ox tail, and tiger paws, which protect it against pestilence and evil, because those are apparently things you need to worry about as a supernatural being. So what makes this baku thing the actual inspiration, and not just a regular ol’ tapir? Well, a baku supposedly will feast on dreams, and nightmares of sleeping people.

Sometimes.

Click for full

A lot of the info I found was unclear on whether or not they’d eat nightmares, or just regular old dreams. I don’t really see the point of idolizing a baku if it can’t protect you from nightmares, but, whatever, maybe regular dreams were so scary back then that a reprieve from them would have been just as appreciated. Either way, more modern depictions of the baku added in more tapir elements until it practically was a tapir, and that’s where we get Drowzee, whose Pokedex entries state that it loves to eat dreams.

USING DROWZEE IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

Look at those stats. Drowzee is not very good, is it? Well, like so many average Pokemon in Little Cup, Drowzee will work best with a Choice Scarf. Psycho Cut or Zen Headbutt are your two main options in STAB, with one being weaker with a raised crit chance, and the other being stronger with a slightly lower accuracy.

After that you get…. wow, three whole moves to yourself! Well, erm… Drain Punch. Drain Punch is good! In case you couldn’t tell I was implying that Drowzee doesn’t exactly have the most moves around, because after that you’re left with two moveslots and only three worthy moves. So, Thunder Punch, Ice Punch, and Fire Punch. Pick two of those, and there you go! Drowzee! Make sure you invest EV’s into your Attack and Speed again, and then just make sure you’re using Insomnia as an ability. Insomnia makes it so you can never fall asleep, which is mildly helpful against the likes of an incoming Spore, or Hypnosis attack or something. The other two abilities are Forewarn and Inner Focus, both of which are so bad I sometimes want to cry.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 2/5
I should have stressed this more, but I didn’t. Tapirs are ugly.

DESIGN: 4/5
Drowzee looks like a tapir but is based off an animal that over time also looked like a tapir but is technically separate. Drowzee is cool.

BATTLE: 2/5
Eh. Drowzee gets alright coverage, but it’s still nothing special really.

I CAN NEVER UNSEE: THE CHOCOLATE/BANANA
Welcome to the club.

OVERALL: 3/5

There’s actually a carrot being dangled just out of frame.

#095 Onix

Rock snake? Euphemism.

You know what’s one thing I’ve never liked about Pokemon in English? How Pokemon always say their names. I was once told that the Japanese don’t do this, and have the Pokemon just make appropriate-sounding sounds. I never once have bothered to find out if this is true or not, but if it is, good for them!

The reason I bring this up is because Onix is a particularly bad example of this. Every time an Onix appears it roars, and then that roar always has to transition into saying its name. So it sounds awful. Every time. Roarnix is not its name, so why roar then add “nix” to the end of it?

I just had to bring up this scene again. Read Sandslash for more details.

Pokemon Origins did a good job of this though. Pokemon didn’t just mindlessly say their names, they didn’t say anything at all. They made grunts and noises that you’d expect from them based off their appearances. Onix was a huge terrifying rock-snake, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Fun fact: despite the quality of the writing you see on this blog, I’m actually a very good speller. Or, at least I am compared to the people around me. I made it to the county spelling bee every year I competed in it, and one of those years I lost because my word was “onyx”. At the time, I had no exposure to the word outside of the Pokemon. So, like some kind of confident rooster, I strut up to that microphone, dusted my shoulders off, punched another kid sitting down, and then spelled it out.

This was the face of that kid who’s skull I caved in.

O-N-I-X. I said, flipping off the cameras right after, and returning to my seat. Unfortunately, it turned out I was wrong. I should have known better after seeing Seel was literally just a typo of seal, but I wasn’t thinking. I was too confident, and I paid the ultimate price.

My ultimate speller’s badge was revoked the very next day, and I spent the next week wandering the wastes, searching for a new meaning in life. That was the best Spring Break of my life. Would I do it all again? Absolutely.

Why is this Onix encased in latex? That’s up to you to decide.

Onix has always bothered me. How do its organs work? Are the boulders it’s comprised filled with organs? Are they connected via fleshy bits? Are they magnetically attracted to one another? Onix reminds me of the old DataEast trope of making bosses.

My, what big teeth you have.

I guess saying DataEast is a little unfair, since I’m sure many other companies did this at the time, but Data East is just the first one that came to mind. Anyway, one of the things they would do to simulate something being loose and flowing (Because that’s a very difficult thing to do via sprites without a TON of work) would be to make a bunch of circles, color them the same color as the enemy, and then just give those circles the ability to move around so they make a chain. It was an earnest attempt to make the kind of fluidity they were looking for much more easily, but it looked atrocious. It also looked a lot like Onix, and that’s why I don’t like Onix.

FORGET ABOUT ONIX LET’S TALK DATAEAST

DID YOU KNOW?

This one’s not very important, but, hey, it’s a little interesting. Did you know that Onix, when holding Eviolite, has the highest unboosted Defense stat in the entire game? It comes out to 690 total Defense, which may not sound like a lot if you don’t do much competitive battling, but it really, really is.

But, surprisingly, this does not make Onix the best unboosted physically Defensive Pokemon. See, a huge Defense stat is only one of the two things you need to get a massively powerful physical wall. The other thing is HP, and Onix suffers in that regard with a paltry 35 Base HP. So who is the real unboosted King of physical defense?

KNOCKIN’ DOORS DOWN. SHOWIN PARTS OF RHYME

I’ve already barely talked about Onix at all, so let’s continue not talking about Onix! See, the single bulkiest unboosted Pokemon of all time is Rhydon. Onix has a hilarious stat of 160 Defense, which Eviolite loves, but Rhydon’s Defense is only 120. However, Rhydon’s very impressive 105 HP is enough to just barely edge out Onix’s Defense.

So remember kids, the original Pokemon still has a claim to fame even in this day and age. Never forget about Rhydon, or all it’s done for you.

USING RHYDON ONIX IN BATTLE
Preferably Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

I like how the stats look like Onix is giving me a middle finger for talking about it so little during this.

Anyway, I say “Preferably Little Cup only” because while Onix definitely can try using that fantastic Defense + Eviolite in other tiers, it’s just not very good. Usable, but not good.

So, how do you use Onix anyway? Give it Sturdy for an ability, and have it hold Berry Juice. That hilarious HP stat means there’s no way Onix is going to have more than 20 HP, and will go back to full health after being one shot in a fight. So you essentially get 2-3 guaranteed turns to do stuff. Use one of those to set up a lovely layer of Stealth Rocks, and have Earthquake for a nice, powerful STAB. Rock Blast is again a preferred move over a stronger, single-hitting move so you can break subs and the like. And for a fourth move? Dragon Tail or Roar are both good options for phasing, which is made easy thanks to Sturdy, and Taunt can be used if you plan on using Onix as a lead.

If you want to actually use that hilarious Defense stat, well, use the same things pretty much, except hold Eviolite instead of Berry Juice. The problem with actually trying to take advantage of this fantastic stat is that Rock / Ground isn’t a very good type combination defensively. That, and the hilarious 40 Special Defense make it difficult to keep Onix alive since it has access to no reliable healing moves at all.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 3/5
A big rock snake with a horn. The concept is alright, but there’s like no frills to it, though I did love how in the 3D Pokemon games Onix’s rock-segments are sometimes shown spinning for no reason.

DESIGN: 3/5
A big rock snake with a horn. Innocent, or a euphemism? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

BATTLE: 3/5
A decent lead thanks to Sturdy and access to Stealth Rock, but suicide leads are so passe.

ONIX IS MY: FAVORITE/POKEMON
I’m sorry you feel that way.

OVERALL: 3/5

Joe and Mac bosses except with more detail.

#094 Gengar

And then Haunter became less cool

I’ve never liked Gengar. I liked Gastly. I loved Haunter. But I’ve never liked Gengar.

First off, lets look at this guy. I may not like Gengar as a whole, but I’m a big fan of its design. It looks like someone literally took Haunter, and used Gastly’s mist to form the missing parts of a body. It has regular teeth now, and not those creepy purple incisors that lined Haunter’s mouth, and its eyes are red now., Gengar has a tail. It’s not exactly easy to see in that image, but it’s there, and I’ve never really felt like it was necessary. The other parts of its anatomy are fine, but the tail is kinda weird.

Cute!

Random insertion. I completely forgot to insert that image into the last one. It’s from a cute as heck children’s book and I wish I had all the page but I don’t. So enjoy!

Check out that tail

Interruptions aside, there’s one thing about Gengar that I think is pretty cool. I can’t confirm the details behind this at all, but Gengar has most certainly been toned down a bit in terms of spookiness. Maybe children were complaining, maybe parents were complaining, either way, it’s gotten much friendlier in appearance since it first appeared, with some depictions of Gengar looking downright cute.

The top is Gengar’s Pokemon Crystal sprite. That creepy leer, those focused eyes, and that super dark palette make the entire thing really creepy and menacing. Meanwhile, the bottom is Gengar’s Pokemon Dream World art. It may still have that creepy smirk, but it’s also significantly lighter in color, and it’s looking up at you, not down at you. Not much in terms of changes aside from resolution, but they make all the difference.

The only thing I really like about Gengar is just how much it’s been a staple of Pokemon. It was fighting alongside Nidorino in the opening to Pokemon Red and Blue. This is reused and claimed to be an Elite 4 battle in the anime, and reused again as the opening for Pokemon Origins. Gengar also has a Pokemon Index number of  14, meaning there are only 13 more Pokemon that were envisioned before it. It’s also seen in an extremely early form here.

Fighting what I’ve been told is an early Nidorino?

So what is that? From what I’ve been reading it sounds like it’s an ancient manga, though I’m not sure why the term manga is used. It seems to basically be a pitch for what would eventually become Pokemon. And right there on the cover is supposedly an extremely early version of Gengar, one of the most popular Pokemon to this very day.

I still don’t like it though.

Gengar’s original art looks a bit more deranged too.

DID YOU KNOW?

Are you familiar with this man?

JAPANESE MAN?

Even if you’re not familiar with him as a person, you’re familiar with his work. I say this with certainty because this man is Ken Sugimori. He’s worked on Pokemon since the very beginning, and is the lead guy in charge of creating the actual Pokemon we know and love so much. Every single entry on this blog begins with his art of the Pokemon I’m doing (Aside from Ponyta, though I did post it right after as a joke). He’s a great artist, and I love the man for creating the things he’s created.

Also, his favorite Pokemon is Gengar.

booo

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the man and his work, but I really don’t like Gengar. But, that’s besides the point. Sugimori says part of the reason he loves Gengar so much is because of his easy, and simplistic design. He revealed this in interviews about Generation 6, and how he plans to make Pokemon more simple, and less detailed in future games. A lot of people took this as a sign of doom, the dreaded genwunners took this as a sign that they were right all along, and others, like me, took it with a grain of salt. Maybe it’ll be good, maybe it’ll be bad! Who knows?

The important thing is that in this same interview he says that to make up for less detail on the Pokemon, he wants to add LOTS of things to the games, like a ton more new moves, and new items per Generation. And honestly, if simpler Pokemon comes with the addition of a LOT of new moves and items, then I’m all for it.

Keep it up you crazy, creative man.

USING GENGAR IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

Now this is a good spread. Fantastically high Special Attack, and very high Speed. Again, I’d like to mention that these sets are for the base Pokemon. I’ll get to Mega evolutions one day, but for now, because of the unique… nature (Mega broken, in other words) of Mega-Gengar, you shouldn’t apply this data to it.

So, how do you use Gengar? Go Timid, and pump EV’s into its Special Attack and Speed. Substitute is a necessity now, because Gengar is made of paper and dies easily via stiff wind. Then you’ll need to decide if you want to continue the SubDisable route, or if you want to be a little more attacking based. If you’re going to be SubDisable, then Black Sludge is the item you’ll want, but Life Orb is the way to go for attacking. Either way, Shadow Ball is definitely the way to go for a STAB, since Ghost is a better attacking type than Poison. If you want that secondary STAB anyway, then go for Sludge Wave, over the Sludge Bomb you’ve been using for the previous two evolutions.

If you want some healing, then Pain Split will help the attacking Gengar, while the SubDisable’s Gengar is now wondering about that last slot. Well, like I’ve said from the beginning, the other good options are Psychic, Psywave, Energy Ball, Thunderbolt, Dazzling Gleam, and Dark Pulse. Gengar gets a couple new moves though, like the aforementioned Sludge Wave, and Focus Blast a super powerful but low accuracy Fighting typed attack. Will-O-Wisp will help you neuter physical attackers, and if you don’t care about a riskier playstyle, then Destiny Bond will also help when you’re about to meet your maker.

Gengar is good, and has been good forever. A lot of people like to believe that Sugimori’s continued influence in the company means that Gengar gets special treatment, and while I’d like to believe that’s just conspiracy theories, Mega Gengar was given Shadow Tag. An ability so brokenly powerful on Gengar that I don’t know what to believe anymore.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 3/5
Not a fan of Gengar’s look, honestly.

DESIGN: 5/5
There’s a theory floating around that the Gastly line is from another dimension, and that it regains part of its body everytime it evolves. Haunter gains hands, and a vague head, and Gengar completes it. This is even supported by the Pokedex saying that Haunter is straight up from another dimension. It’s a cool theory that I think is plausible, but even if it’s not trust (Which it’s probably not) it’s a great way to really appreciate the design behind the family.

BATTLE: 5/5
Good initially and still good. I hate how good Gengar is.

I DON’T CONSIDER IT: ANOTHER DAY/UNTIL I SLEEP
And I haven’t slept yet SO THAT’S 3 IN ONE DAY.

OVERALL: 4.3/5

Hard to look intimidating when you bounce around so much.

#093 Haunter

Now THAT is spooky

Haunter is perfect. It’s everything I want in a Ghost Pokemon. Its limbs are nonexistent, and yet it has hands. It doesn’t need legs because it floats. It doesn’t even have teeth, its mouth is just triangle’d up so it looks like teeth, and it’s got a menacing appearance. It’s made of gas, and it haunts you while you sleep. Haunter is perfect.

OH MY GOD THAT IS SCARY

Haunter though, also annoys me quite a bit with its perfection. I find it to be a fantastic evolution to Gastly, but then when Haunter evolves it just… loses alot of what makes Haunter so cool. It is truly a shame. Know what else is a shame? Haunter’s name.

But what’s wrong with Haunter?

Not its English name, no. Haunter is cool. What do you call a ghost that haunts people, or places? A haunter! It’s fantastic. No, I’m referring to its Japanese name. But first, we’ll need to take a step back.

This is highly ridiculous.

What is Gastly’s name in Japanese? Ghos. Not even joking there. Gastly’s name is literally Ghost with the letter T removed. One of the big regrets I’m having right now is failing to point out how many first generation Pokemon have truly, truly ridiculous names in Japan. I’ve mentioned only a couple, and oh my goodness Ghos is definitely high up there in terms of awful, terrible names. But, that’s Gastly’s name, and I wouldn’t have brought Gastly up again if it wasn’t important. So, why did I bring it up?

Haunter’s name is Ghost. Yes. Ghos, and Ghost. Ghost being Haunter on its own is terrible, but, well, it fits. Once you have the full context though, Ghost is somehow even worse because Ghos was already very much telling you what Gastly was. It’d be like if you had an Electric typed Pokemon named Thunder, and another, different Electric typed Pokemon named Thunders.

This image is completely unrelated. I swear.

There’s really not much more to say about Haunter. It’s always much more difficult to write about things you love than the things you hate. Unless you really love the thing you love and are writing about. There’s only so many times I can say that Haunter is cool before I start getting broken record syndrome, and everyone hates me forever. One day though, you’ll all get to see what it’s like for someone to write about what they really love. And that’ll happen when we get to number 541.

Until then, hold onto your butt.

How to defeat a gym leader

DID YOU KNOW?

Now, this is just theory, and not confirmed. BUT! It’s speculated that Haunter is based off a monster from an old Filipino myth called an, “Aswang”

It was very difficult finding a SFW image of one

Now, before I continue, I’d again like to reiterate that this is just speculation, and not confirmed. I’d also like to state that I had a hard time finding any info on the aswang at all, so this is just cobbled together from what I did find. If I got something wrong, by all means, feel free to correct me in the comments.

Anyway, the Aswang is basically a kind of compilation of other scary monsters. Part vampire, werewolf, ghoul, and, well, ghost all at once. I’m not sure why most of the depictions of them were women, because from what I read it didn’t sound like all aswang were feminine in appearance, but, hey, who knows!

So what makes them like Haunter? Well, they can travel through walls, like many ghosts, and they have a horrifying proboscis-like tongue that they use to murder things they attack. Haunter, on the other hand, can travel through walls just as easily because it’s made of gas, and it has a giant tongue and is a big fan of licking things, as I’m sure we’re all aware.

This got NSFW really fast.

Also, most of the images of aswang that I found were all the same as that one I posted. They’re typically depicted as floating torsos with a bunch of gore hanging out the bottom of them. They’re also usually naked, but, hey, I tried to keep it safe-for-work here! But, anyway, it’s pretty clear that they’re similar to Haunter in shape as well. Haunter may be missing the arms, but the way its body is shaped certainly makes it look like it’s only a torso , and the hands are always there.

Of course, the aswang are also big fans of murdering babies, and like to eat livers and hearts the most. So I’m just glad that if Haunter being based off an aswang is true, GameFreak had enough sense to not bring any of those aspects into it.

USING HAUNTER IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

Pokemon teens yo. They’re mostly useless, but occasionally one will pop up with good enough stats to be considered usable. Haunter is thankfully, one of the latter, though it’s still not quite enough to be amazing.

So, much like Gastly, you’ll want to make Haunter hold a Choice Scarf. 95 Speed is good, but it’s not quite good enough to be super great. Then just blast away with most of the same moves as before. Haunter’s defenses aren’t really good enough to try for anything with Eviolite, but, there is another good option that is made available upon evolution that Gastly didn’t have.

Sub + Disable. Use Substitute against something slower. Something slower opts to attack, or boost, or whatever. Then you use disable. You’ve effectively ruined that move, meaning your opponent either has to switch to a different Pokemon, or is out a move. It can be very effective and a very good way of stopping Pokemon by harassing them. Haunter should hold Black Sludge so it can recover some of the HP it’ll lose from making a bunch of Subs, and you’ll definitely want dual STABS to be your attacking moves, with Shadow Ball and Sludge Bomb.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 5/5
Haunter is cool, and spooky. Spooly.

DESIGN: 5/5
Haunter still looks gaseous, despite also looking like an actual being now. It’s pretty cool all around really.

BATTLE: 3/5
Subdisable adds a neat wrinkle to Haunter’s abilities, but it can’t make good use of Eviolite which is the only real reason to bother ever using a not-fully evolved Pokemon over its evolution.

2 IN: 1/TO GO
This is way harder than I expected it to be.

OVERALL: 4.3/5

In total darkness, where nothing is visible, Haunter lurks, silently stalking its next victim.

#092 Gastly

BOO!

I’ve been missing a lot of days this month for a variety of reasons. Today I’ll make up for that by doing an entire Pokemon line. We begin today’s epic day of 3 entries in one day by writing about Gastly.

Gastly is the first Ghost-typed Pokemon in the Pokedex. It is also the only Ghost-typed family in Gen1. I was going to stick in a line here about how GameFreak has gotten wiser since then. How they realized that it was a real drag to only create one single Pokemon line of this type for a Generation, and how we should all be glad that they’ve gotten smarter since then. Then I realized that they did it again in Generation 2. With the exact same type. Except this time it didn’t even have an evolutionary line, so it was literally just one new Ghost type.

Official art copyright GameFreak

But they’ve changed since then, right? I mean, that was just a dumb mistake! Come on! Please, GameFreak!

Of course I wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of this if it was still happening. As in Generation 6. Which contains one, and only one line of Bug-typed Pokemon. Bugs have long been considered a pretty crappy Pokemon type with very few standouts. Generation 5 (Best generation, FIGHT ME, I DARE YOU) seemed to fix this problem by adding several Bugs that were not only cool looking, but quite capable in battle. Then Generation 6 completely ruined all the good Gen 5 did on this front, along with many many other things.

You done ranting yet?

Sorry about that, I just get all worked out when something as simple as adding a good variety of types in a new Generation doesn’t happen. Those aren’t the only problems Gastly represents though. Oh no. Gastly also represents another major problem with Generation 1, the power of Psychic types. Gastly here is a Ghost / Poison type. Ghost types don’t take any extra damage from Psychic typed attacks, but Poison do. So the Pokemon type that was meant to combat the Psychic types were weak to them. Which, again, wouldn’t have been so bad if there were more than one line!

There’s a lot of negativity that Gastly represents, but on its own Gastly is great. A black floating ball with a mischievously, mildly evil face and a cloud of purple smoke around it. Also, I mentioned it way back when but Gastly’s Pokedex entries make reference to Indian Elephants as a barometer for how tough they are. Unlike Raichu, however, they’re much… darker.

A being that exists as a thin gas. It can topple an Indian elephant by enveloping the prey in two seconds. – Pokemon FireRed

And yet Gastly just allows this to happen.

Gastly is alright overall. I like the idea of a completely Gaseous Pokemon, but Gastly isn’t very much that. Even if it’s been shown traveling through walls and such in the anime.

DID YOU KNOW?

Nothing really special here, just some random stats about Gastly. The only reason I’m using this over something more interesting is that there’s more than one, as opposed to something dumb like “oh did you know that this Pokemon has the highest defense stat of all water types?” (Spoilers: I’m talking about Cloyster for that one.) So, enjoy a couple of random things about Gastly, and you can send your hate mail to I don’t even remember what e-mail I used for this.

Anyway, Gastly is a gaseous Pokemon. Though it looks like the black ball is a form of some kind, it’s just gas. Weird. But, as I’m sure you all know, gases are very very light. Gastly is actually the lightest Pokemon of them all. Ever.

NOOOOOOO

Well, sort of. This is why I find this fact a little bit interesting. Gastly is tied for the lightest Pokemon with two others. First is Haunter, which I found really interesting first off. When a Pokemon evolves, 9 times out of 10 all of its stats will increase. ALL of them, but Haunter actually gains no additional weight despite gaining a foot in height compared to Gastly. Also tied for this place? Flabebe. Flabebe is also tied for the smallest Pokemon, coming in at roughly 4 inches in height. So, hey, if you’ve ever wanted a comparison for what Gastly weighs, just pick up a Flabebe. And then seek professional help because Flabebe’s aren’t real.

I know I mentioned this already, but the Gastly family is the only Ghost-typed line that is weak to Psychic attacks. Also, despite the fact that they are part Poison typed, the Gastly line can’t learn a single Poison typed move naturally. They all come from TM’s and tutors. Not even egg moves!

Also, everyone likes to make a big deal about how Wooper can learn Ice Punch despite having no arms. Well, Gastly can learn Ice Punch too. And Thunder Punch.

USING GASTLY IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

It should be pretty obvious how Gastly is best used. See, it’s got all these awful stats with only two that stand out. Speed, and Special Attack. If you wanna play risky, hand Gastly some Choice Specs and blow things away with that quite frankly fantastic 100 Special Attack. If you want to be safer, use a Scarf instead, it’ll still be strong.

Throw your EV’s into Speed and Special Attack, then give yourself four attacking moves. What moves? Well, Shadow Ball is a necessity, as is Sludge Bomb. Then pick your poison from the rest of the moves Gastly has available. Psychic, or Psywave, if you want to do a Physical attack, Dark Pulse, Thunderbolt, Energy Ball, Dazzling Gleam, or Icy Wind if you really want that Ice coverage.

Gastly is pretty good, all things considered. Just watch out for Abra, because it’ll ruin your day.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 4/5
I really like Gastly’s look. I don’t like how solid its main body looks though. It’s supposed to be a gas but it looks like a bowling ball covered in pink mist.

DESIGN: 5/5
We need a spooky scary Pokemon? HOW’S THIS FOR YA?

BATTLE: 5/5
Fantastic in Little Cup. Wil get destroyed by a slight breeze anywhere else.

THREE IN ONE DAY?: THAT’S/IMPOSSIBLE
MAYBE BUT I’M GOING TO TRY.

OVERALL: 4.6/5

Imagine this thing popping out of a closet and launching at your face

#091 Cloyster

Now this is a face I can trust!

First things first: A correction! Like I said yesterday, I don’t know much about the coasts cause I live in an area completely secluded from that. It turns out that a giant tongue sticking out of a clam isn’t all that weird. Be warned, this is a little gross.

In addition, they’re a bit more mobile than I gave them credit for, as seen here:

Anyway, let’s talk about Cloyster. It’s got a creepy face on a black sphere, and its shell has gotten way more hardcore since its days of being a Shellder. There’s a bunch of spikes everywhere, and Cloyster as a whole looks a lot less like a Pokemon that I’d want to meet in a dark alley.

W-Why’s it glowin’ red man?

If there’s one thing I really like about Cloyster though, it’s that smirk. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it here before, but if there’s one thing I don’t like it’s apathy. A smirk isn’t exactly the opposite of apathy, but it shows confidence, and you aren’t confident if you’re apathetic! What makes Cloyster so cocky? Maybe it’s the fact that it’s encased in an incredibly hard shell. How hard? Well, Cloyster has the highest Defense stat of any Generation 1 Pokemon.

What? Is that not impressive enough for you? Well, how about this. In the nearly 20 years and five additional generations since Pokemon became a thing, there have only been four Pokemon with a higher Defense stat than Cloyster. And one of those is only higher by a measly four points.

Cloyster walks up to your Psyduck and pinches its ass, what do you do?

Unfortunately, the biggest thing bringing Cloyster down is its typing. While it’s got enough Defense to tank literally anything coming its way for days, it’s been burdened with the Ice type. Now, I don’t mean this to be offensive to anyone who likes Ice types, because, well, I’m one of those people. I loved the thought of exploding a Dragonite with a single Ice Beam, and the like. Unfortunately, Ice is probably the worst type to go defensive with because of its many common weaknesses. On the offensive side, Ice remains fantastic, but many of its best moves are also available to the many Water types out there, leaving you little reason to actually burden yourself with an Ice type weakness.

Leading the charge is Cloyster. A Pokemon that would excel above all others and be known as an incredible threat to all is made only a medium-sized threat because of its many weaknesses. And that’s it. That’s all that is stopping Cloyster from sweeping the entire game and being the best Pokemon there ever was and ever will be.

I may be exaggerating just a little.

At least, that’s what Cloyster’s face tells me. Look at that cocky son-of-a-gun. I want to just punch his stupid face in, but I also can’t help but wonder if my fist would just go right through his head? What if Cloyster isn’t solid at all, aside from the shell, and is just a gaseous being. I think I remember hearing a theory about that somewhere…

I couldn’t think of a way to fit this in, but I adore this image of Cloyster using Shell Smash, so take it for free. Click for source.

DID YOU KNOW?

I know that I’ve shown my disdain for Pokemon theories in the past. There’s a good reason for that. A solid 90-95% of them are the dumbest things you’ve ever heard, or completely falsified. It’s the worst having to deal with the people who subscribe to these theories, and listen to their horrible conversations about Pokemon. Today’s theory falls into that 90-95%.

I love how presumptuous that first sentence is.

That’s right. A popular theory is around that Cloyster is either a shell possessed by a Gastly, or that a Gastly is a Cloyster who’s died. Now, let’s look at why these people believe this could be true.

1. Cloyster and Gastly both have a round body with similarly shaped faces.
2. They’re next to each other in the Pokedex.
3. ???
4. WASN’T TWO ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

Anyway, Gastly possessing a shell is easy to disprove because, well, Cloyster evolves from Shellder. That’s the only way to get one. Some people will try to claim that Shellder is also a shell possessed by a Gastly, but Shellder is different enough for that thought to be silly. As for dead Cloysters becoming Gastly, well, that’s harder to disprove. Because I can’t, really.

Except logically. See, the whole point of a theory like this is to try and determine what the creators may have intended, but kept secret from everyone. The only thing I can see when I read a theory like this is someone sitting in the dark desperately trying to make connections where none were intended. The thought that “This is what the developers intended” is what makes certain Pokemon theories gain so much traction that people take them as fact exclusively. For a good example of this, go try reading about the Cubone -> Kangaskhan theory, and the Ditto -> Mew theory. I’ll get to those in due time, but trust me, I don’t have anything nice to say about them.

So, with that all out of the way, there’s still the fact that Cloyster looks an awful lot like a Gastly to address. If I’m making the argument that it wasn’t intended, then why do they look so similar? Simple. Cloyster’s body is a real, honest to goodness black pearl. Which, yes, are real. This explains Cloyster’s body shape, and its similarity to Gastly’s gaseous body.

Not just the villains in a Disney movie!

USING CLOYSTER IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

Remember what I said yesterday? Do that again. Shell Smash + Icicle Spear + Rock Blast. Cloyster also gets access to Spike Cannon, which also works with Skill Link, but I wouldn’t use it because Normal type coverage is a coverage almost nobody needs. Ice Shard is a good priority move if you’re fighting against priority yourself, or Razor Shell / Hydro Pump are good STAB options if you want a solid Water typed move for use. A Focus Sash will make it so your Cloyster can’t get exploded in one shot, and will guarantee you get a Shell Smash off. If you’d like more power instead, a Life Orb will make Cloyster deadly.

Or you can go with the hilarious third option for an item. A King’s Rock. King’s Rock gives all of your moves a 10% chance of flinching your opponent. Normally, it’s rather useless. However, because Skill Link makes things hit 5 times, this raises your chance to a beautiful 50% chance of flinching. And since Cloyster’s Speed is at +2 from a Shell Smash, it’s likely you’re going to go first and keep your opponent flinchlocked. It’s fantastic.

Cloyster does have another option though, thanks to its amazing defense. It can run a bit of a supporting role, by littering your opponent’s side of the field with Spikes or Toxic Spikes, and carrying Rapid Spin in order to remove any unwanted debris on your side of the field. Explosion finds its way into Cloyster’s moveset as well, and will do a good job of making anyone who has to eat the move feel terrible about it afterward.

In short, Cloyster is fantastic. It’s fallen out of use a bit as Priority has neutered fast attackers a bit, but its stellar Defense will ensure it can still survive almost anything thrown at it. At least on the Physical side. Even Cloyster will tremble at the sight of any Special attackers.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 3/5
Look at that shell. I don’t wanna be near anything that looks like that and can learn a move called Spike Cannon.

DESIGN: 4/5
I love Cloyster’s design. The shell isn’t just a regular shell anymore, it’s a crazy terrifying super spiky shell of death. It’s also got a black pearl for a face! It’s also a euphemism for a lady’s parts, but I don’t want to link to anything pornographic here, so I’ll just leave it at that.

BATTLE: 5/5
Sure it’s not as good as it once was, but it’s still a terrifying threat to behold that can sweep entire teams if they’re unprepared.

BUT POKEMON: THEORIES ARE/SO COOL
Creativity is cool, as is looking at things in newer, more interesting ways. However there’s a limit to this and we crossed it a long time ago.

OVERALL: 4/5

Hey kid. Come a little closer.

#090 Shellder

I don’t know how this works anatomically

Whew. I started this two days ago but my internet was acting up and I couldn’t upload any files to wordpress. I considered doing this without pictures, but it was really strange, so I decided to put it off. Then yesterday there’s power outages and I’m again unable to do this. I did spend some time going back and correcting little errors I noticed here and there on previous entries. If you notice anymore, please comment so I can know about them and correct them.

Anyway, now that things are all cleared up and I’m now able to write! So, here we have Shellder. Shellder is a bivalve clam with two giant eyes and a big tongue sticking out. It’s… weird. It also feels like a hundred different euphemisms are being shoved in my face all at once. But only if the people working over at GameFreak have terrifying visions of the female anatomy.

Of course its tongue sticks out even when it’s resting!

I would go more into that whole euphemism thing, but, uh, Cloyster is somehow even worse about it, so I’ll leave that for tomorrow. For now, let’s just focus on this wet clam. I really don’t even know what they were going for with the tongue. it’s not really cute, and it doesn’t really add a whole lot to the whole clam aspect. I do like the eyes in the dark though. Because who hasn’t wondered what’s really inside of a clam from time to time?

The answer is this… apparently.

A quick poll among those I know confirms that wondering what’s inside a clam is just me. I live in a place far away from any sort of coast, so fresh seafood is an impossibility. I’ve never had a clam, and after seeing that image I’m not sure if the food really interests me. So the mystery has been solved. That is what’s inside of a clam!

As for Shellder? Well, we can only go by what we know. Which is literally nothing. It’s gotten to the point where people just assume that there isn’t anything secret in Shellder’s clam at all. The inky blackness housing a pair of eyes? Everyone now just assumes that that’s Shellder’s body. A black ball wrapped up in a harder-than-diamonds shell, because if there’s one thing the Pokedex was never lacking, it’s subtlety.

HEY WAIT A SECOND

In case you were wondering, further study hasn’t lead me to any sort of information about how Shellder changes form when it creates a Slowbro. A theory I think I mentioned back then was that the Shellder itself also evolved to create the big hermit-crab like shell it becomes. While this has its own set of problems, I did recently find out another one. Apparently, in the anime, Shellder has been shown continuing to say its name even when attached to a Slowpoke. So there goes that theory, if I hadn’t already debunked it.

Really. I don’t know. I don’t want to check either. I’m busy. Leave me alone!

TAAAAAAKE THIS! ICICLE SPEAR!

DID YOU KNOW?

Let’s talk about Pokemon Snap.

#only90skids

Way back in Pokemon’s heyday someone had some kind of crazy fever dream about a new Pokemon spinoff. The gimmick? It would be a rail shooter, except instead of guns, you’d be armed with a camera. Then you’d take your camera and take interesting pictures of Pokemon while playing as that loser Todd from the anime and sitting in some ridiculous yellow car.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad. There were plenty of ways to interact with the Pokemon for the purposes of getting even better shots of them. There’s a few strange things about the game though, and one of them is Shellder.

IGNORE US!

Shellder will pop out of the water, do a little floaty routine, and then drop back into the water. It kind of reminds me of basic enemy patterns from sidescrolling shooters, but, uh, well. It’s weird. Very weird. Clams are the exact kind of animal that is almost completely immobile. A clam popping out of the water and flying around is so far into the realm of fantasy that it’s a little off-putting, if I’m being completely honest.

Of course, there’s also the fact that Shellder has never been shown to fly anywhere else. Ever. No other Shellder appearance has made it float around the sky, or do anything but just sit there, and maybe bounce around because it has to move somehow.

More importantly though, we need another Pokemon snap game. Both the 3DS and the WiiU have input methods that would do the game justice. This is important!

USING SHELLDER IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

Wow! Look at that Defense stat! Normally when a Pokemon like this pops up you think, “Give it Eviolite and have fun tanking attacks all day!”

Well, that would be a colossal waste of Shellder’s true potential. See, Shellder gets access to a rare ability called Skill Link. Skill Link will force every move with “Hits 2-5 times” in its description to hit the full five times. Shellder gets access to both Icicle Shard and Rock Blast, both of which will hit for five times with Skill Link. So, to use Shellder, you must give it Skill Link. If you’re worried about being outsped and destroyed, you can run a Choice Scarf and get to work smacking opponents immediately, or you can run Shell Smash, which Shellder also gets access to and is hands down one of the best boosting moves in the entire game, if not the best. Shell Smash will double your Attack, your Special Attack, and your Speed stats, at the cost of halving your Defense and Special Defense stats.

Skill Link and Shell Smash are a deadly combo. That leaves you with a move slot left, so you can opt for Ice Shard, if you need some priority to finish off an opponent who may have priority of its own, or you can run Razor Shell as a STAB that’ll only hit once. If you run Shell Smash, you’ll also want Eviolite, just to try and take any Special hits better, or just tank regular Attacks more effectively.

Shell Smash Shellder only needs one turn to become a game-ending threat, so you absolutely need to be careful when fighting one, or pick your Shell Smash opportunities carefully when using one.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 2/5
A tongue sticking out of a shell and some eyes. I don’t even.

DESIGN: 2/5
A clam with a tongue. Why not a foot? Clams have feet, right? At least, that’s the scientific part, I believe. I could be wrong and I really don’t care enough to double check.

BATTLE: 5/5
Shellder stronk.

WHAT: ABOUT/THAT THEORY
I’ll get to that tomorrow, just hold onto your butt.

OVERALL: 3/5

That gyrating tongue is the absolute worst.

#089 Muk

blargh

Grimer always looked like a monster to me. A horrible movie monster born of radioactive sludge that exists to spread its sludgy awfulness everywhere. Muk still looks like a monster to me, but a different kind entirely. Where Grimer is the the threat, Muk is what you get after the threat has been neutralized. That thermonuclear bomb successfully went off, and the monster is now melting into a pile of dying sludge.

Alternatively, Muk is what happens after you drop the enemy into hot stuff. Whether that hot stuff is liquid metal, or a volcano, they’ll inevitably pop some parts of their body out in a last ditch effort to free themselves, and fail utterly. Sometimes the hero will utter a final one liner. Sometimes the moment will just pass. Either way, things don’t look good for Muk.

This is how every wild encounter with a Muk should end

Anyway, Muk does have a bit of “It just gets bigger” from Grimer, but I do like the changes more. Since Grimer at least resembles something thick, and liquidy, having it collapse in on itself with the addition of more weight is kinda cool. Muk is only barely there, and even only has one arm most of the time for whatever reason. Other than that, Grimer’s ridiculous eyes have become smaller, and more narrow, and Muk on the whole seems to be a lot more formless than Grimer was.

I’m mostly neutral on Muk though.

Just look at that face.

I mean, just look at that face. Because of Muk’s size, it tends to look like everything on it is droopy, and, well, sad. I’m sure that Muk right there is trying his best to look scary, and intimidating, but it’s not working. I could never prove it, but I think this is part of why they gave Ash such an affectionate Muk in the anime.

DON’T YOU DARE

Okay, yes, I know that the real reason is probably more because Muk smells awful, so having something that you don’t want around you ever ever ever try to give you a hug is funny. For the first couple of times. Then it gets tired, and old, and man, why did we think this was good at the time? Anyway, if you weren’t aware, Ash had a Muk that liked to hug people. It was alright, I suppose.

What wasn’t alright, was Muk’s method of attack.

Gimme a minute. I need to recover.

What, uh, what does that look like to you? If you’re not sure, wait until you have to go to the bathroom next, and after you’re done doing your business take a look inside whatever receptacle you used. Now, again, I can’t prove this, per se. But I’m pretty sure that Muk is firing feces. Out of its mouth. Muk and Grimer both are essentially water pollution, and the Pokedex made a point to prove out that waste water is a regular part of their diet. So, yeah.

Muk is disgusting.

OH GOD NOT TWO AT ONCE

DID YOU KNOW?

Do you know what continuity is? Here’s a definition from Google.

the maintenance of continuous action and self-consistent detail in the various scenes of a movie or broadcast.

Basically, continuity makes sure that things continue to make sense within their own world. What I’m going to do now is harp on the anime’s continuity. I know that it’s beyond pointless, and that I’m probably going to come out looking stupider for it, but, well, I don’t have much else. Muk and Mew are both tied for the shortest Pokemon names, at only three letters each. They also both start with M.

Okay, now I’m really out of things to say. So here we go!

ROAR

So, in the anime. Ash caught a Muk. Like I just mentioned, Ash’s Muk was very affectionate. It liked to hug people. A lot. On an unrelated note, have a bunch of Pokedex entries.

Smells so awful, it can cause fainting. Through degeneration, it lost its sense of smell. – Pokemon Yellow
Becomes indistinguishable if it hides in dirt. Touching its sludge-covered body causes horrible poisonings.  – Pokemon Stadium
Its body is made of a powerful poison. Touching it accidentally will cause a fever that requires bed rest.  – Pokemon Silver
It is usually undetectable because it blends in with the ground. Touching it can cause terrible poisoning. – Pokemon Fire Red
A toxic fluid seeps from its body. The fluid instantly kills plants and trees on contact.  – Pokemon Y

On another unrelated note, have some pictures from the anime.

Don’t mind me Oak I’ll just rub my disgusting hands all over you.

JUST ONE MORE HUG ASH, PLEASE!

I don’t care if you’re a Steel type you made contact with me.

What was that about plants again?

NOT JESSIE TOO!

EVERYONE IN ALL OF THESE IMAGES SHOULD BE DEAD

USING MUK IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

Oh man. Right off the bat Muk seems pretty formidable. Unfortunately, that isn’t really the case, but let’s get into this.

First off, Muk has some great Special Defense. It has no reliable healing though, unless you want to risk it with Pain Split again. But, in this case, your best bet is to take advantage of one of the new Gen 6 items, the Assault Vest. It’ll raise Muk’s Special Defense by one stage, making it even sturdier in battle. Dump EV’s into Attack, and either HP or even more Special Defense to get yourself a very bulky attacker. 105 Attack isn’t the best stat to go off of, Muk gets some pretty decent coverage. For attacks you’ll want either Poison Jab or Gunk Shot for STAB (Basically Accuracy vs Power) and Fire / Ice / Thunder Punch as options for your other moves. Brick Break, Rock Slide, and Shadow Sneak are also good alternatives. If you’re ballsy, you can also make one of your attacks Explosion, and finish things with a bang. Finish off with Poison Touch as your ability, and you’ll be fine. Or at least as fine as a Muk can do in battle.

Muk is getting there. It’s really close to a slow, bulky attacker. Unfortunately, 105 Attack isn’t that great, and it lacks any sort of a reliable way to recover its hp, so it falls short of excellence.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 2/5
It gets some cool points for looking like it’s dying all the time. But it’s still a disgusting pile of sludge.

DESIGN: 3/5
It just gets bigger may have been 90% of what makes Muk, Muk, but the attention to detail really makes it work.

BATTLE: 2/5
If only Muk had access to reliable healing.

I REALLY WANTED: TO FIND A PLACE/TO STICK THIS IMAGE
But I couldn’t. So here you go. Muk’s stupid sprite reminds me of this old meme.

OVERALL: 2.3/5

It hurts to live