Believe it or not, I, the venerable Professor Swadloon, have friends.
So I was talking with some friends about how I was going to be writing about Golduck today, and how much I was not looking forward to it. I don’t like Golduck. Like, at all. I hate Golduck. I was like man, Golduck is definitely the worst duck-based Pokemon. Psyduck is better, Ducklett is better, heck, even Farfetch’d is better. So then my friends were like well what about Magmar, or Ludicolo? And my initial thought was what about them? They’ve got duck faces, but aren’t very ducky aside from that.
I wanted to start this article with a cute picture because I hate looking at Golduck, but I suppose I can’t put it off any longer.
So, after that conversation I was like man, what even makes Golduck a duck? It’s got a bill, but it looks more like a hawk’s beak, than anything else. It’s body is in no way duck-like, and it’s just shiny, and slick. Golduck looks like it would be gross to the touch, and I don’t like it. So, I’m going to go ahead and declare Magmar, the Lotad line, and any other Pokemon with one or two duck features as ducks too. If Golduck gets to have duck in its name, why can’t everyone’s favorite Mexican pineapple duck be a duck too?
Some people like Golduck though. Normally, I’m an open-minded person. I believe that most opinions are worth hearing out. Most, not all. An opinion should be coming from a place of logic in order for me to respect it, and that’s why anyone who likes Golduck should just be ignored.
And Golduck still isn’t a dual typed Water Psychic Pokemon! They called it gold, because that’s apparently Psychic to GameFreak, and they have it naturally learn a handful of Psychic type moves, and it can’t get STAB from them because it’s not Psychic. What is your problem Golduck? Can you never stop being a disappointment? And why do you always look like you’re sneaking around suspiciously?
I’m sure at least one person out there is pissed right now about my Golduck not being like a duck complaints, so, yes, I know it’s based more off of a kappa. I know not everyone out there may be familiar with a kappa, so I’ll give a brief explanation.
A kappa is basically a monster from Japanese folklore. It’s pretty much a small, humanoid thing with a beak (Sound familiar?) that hangs out in the water (Should be ringing some bells right about now) and everybody hates them. Why does everyone hate them? Well, it’s because they’re mischievous, and like to cause trouble. Sometimes this can be things as tame and innocent as farting loudly, and looking up women’s kimonos, but it can also be as horrible as drowning people, kidnapping children, and raping women.
DID YOU KNOW?
I have nothing to say about Golduck, so let’s keep talking about kappas and why you should hate Golduck for being based on one.
So! Kappas were frequently blamed for drownings back then, because apparently everyone in ancient Japan was a conspiracy theorist. Nothing bad can happen naturally, so it had to be a demon. Kappas are also said to sometimes lure people into the water with the intent of drinking their blood, eating their livers, or… wrestling with them.
Kappas also have a weird sort of hat they wear that stores water from the river they live in. This is the source of their power, believe it or not, meaning that a kappa isn’t at all difficult to defeat should you encounter one. Just knock the water out of its head, and it’ll be weakened so severely it could die. An alternative is to simply give a deep bow in front of a kappa, because, for whatever reason, they’re obsessed with being polite, and will usually return the bow. The bow will, of course, cause them to spill the water out of their head, and leave them helpless afterward! You can also apparently just rip their arms out, since it seems like they’ll just kinda detach rather easily. For all the horrible things kappas do, it seems like there’s an awful lot of ways to defeat them.
Kappas aren’t all bad though. If you can manage to befriend one, they’re apparently pretty cool for a bunch of rapist murderers. They’ll bring you fresh fish occasionally, and help farmers irrigate the land. They also are apparently credited with teaching the Japanese about medicine, a subject they’re highly knowledgeable in.
I know literally none of that applies to Golduck, but come on. Golduck sucks.
USING GOLDUCK IN BATTLE
Golduck’s stats are relatively even across the board, but at least this means it gets some decent bulk to work with! Throw up a Substitute, buff yourself up with Calm Mind, and go to town. That’s, um, pretty much it. 85 Speed isn’t great, but it’s workable, and for offensive you’ll definitely want Hydro Pump, Surf, or Scald. After that, Signal Beam, Ice Beam, Psychic, Psyshock, or Focus Blast will all work as a secondary non-STAB attack. Increase your HP and Defenses with EV’s, and hold Leftovers to make sure that Golduck can get at least one Calm Mind off to be usable. Golduck’s not THAT bad, but it’s just, well, extremely one-note. Weather isn’t nearly as common as it used to be, so Cloud Nine isn’t as useful as it once was. If you’re not sure what Cloud Nine does, then I’m happy to have a new reader! Welcome to the blog, I hope you like it! I say this because I went in-depth into Cloud Nine in yesterday’s write-up about Psyduck, so read that if you’d like to know more.
Also, Golduck sucks.
Ugh. I hate looking at Golduck. Have another cute picture, on the house.
Here’s what doesn’t work about Golduck’s design: Almost everything. It loses everything that made it a duck, in favor of a more humanoid appearance, but it’s keeping the duck name in an attempt to confuse people who like ducks into liking Golduck. Here’s what works about Golduck’s design: The sleek blue shininess of Golduck’s body does make it look like a more highly evolved form of the round, tubby Psyduck. It gets a point for that.
Golduck is not great in battle. There are many better Swift Swimmers out there, and, while unremarkable in their own way, every other Cloud Nine Pokemon is cooler.
I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW: GOLDUCK/IS MY FAVORITE
Stop talking to me.
What do you even do?