Short break!

Whoops, I haven’t done anything the past couple of days, but that’s because I’ve got some very exciting things going on in my life over the next couple of weeks. I didn’t want to just leave this page abandoned, so here you go! Halfway through gen 1 and I’ll be back with Golem when I have the free time to resume this.

Thanks for understanding!

Click for source

Click for source

#075 Graveler

Geodude's been bulkin' up

Geodude’s been bulkin’ up

Usually when a Pokemon evolves and gets bulky it looks physically stronger, and more intimidating. This is not the case with Graveler, because it looks like Geodude’s been having a few too many mini donuts. A couple of tiny, useless baby arms have developed alongside Graveler’s regular, real arms, and it’s also grown a pair of feet. My favorite design quirk is Graveler’s face though. It looks like someone ripped off a Hitmonchan’s head and attached it to Graveler’s face.

DID SOMEONE SAY ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET?

DID SOMEONE SAY ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET?

Those two extra little arms make no sense on Graveler. Its body is huge, and round-ish, so there’s no reason it should have evolved tiny little T-Rex arms. They just kinda make Graveler look weird, and they’re not even present when it evolves. I guess they did it to add another layer of differences between Geodude and Graveler, but it just comes off as lazy, and uninspired.

Graveler’s one saving grace is how it spends its free time. Graveler spends its free time rolling down mountains. Sometimes pieces of it break off, but it doesn’t really care. When Graveler is doing anything else it looks like a huge fat dork, but when you add rolling into the equation.

The last thing you see before you die

The last thing you see before you die

Geodude’s amazing Tackle has evolved into Graveler’s amazing Rollout. There are few things in life more terrifying than a stampeding Graveler about to smash you so hard you’ll be little more than a red splatter. A rolling Graveler is so deadly that even parts of its own body will chip off during the roll. Does the Graveler mind that it’s breaking apart as it rolls?

No. It doesn’t. The Pokedex says it absolutely does not care, and given the insane look in a Graveler’s eyes as it rolls, I’d be inclined to believe them.

WE'RE COMIN' FOR YA

WE’RE COMIN’ FOR YA

It’s like Graveler has multiple personalities. It’s a fat, lazy sack of rock who’d much rather spend its time at the buffet than it would on the battlefield sometimes, but other times it’s the equivalent of a motorcycle gang scaring people by running too close to them. Nobody knows what to think when a Graveler because these personalities will swap in the blink of an eye. Graveler’s tiny legs are the reason it rolls, and all it needs is a mild incline to begin rolling out.

This is your friendly warning. Should you know anyone that owns a Graveler, please, do them a favor and trade it. They need that thing to evolve and become less volatile as soon as possible.

OR YOU COULD BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF THIS

OR YOU COULD BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF THIS

Remember, only you can prevent pointless Graveler-related tragedies.

DID YOU KNOW?

I couldn’t find anything interesting about Graveler, but while searching I did find something interesting that I will now begin to draw baseless parallels to. I’m hoping that none of you notice that these are all likely just coincidence, or both being based on the same thing, rather than one being directly inspired by the other.

Yup. I’m going there.

So while I was looking up info on Graveler I noticed something strange about its name. In Japan, Graveler’s name is Golone, though it’s sometimes spelled as Goroun. And that, my friends, is 1 letter off of the race of people from The Legend of Zelda, the Gorons.

So, the Gorons are a race of people that live in the mountains, eat rocks, and spend their time rolling down the mountains. They’ve also got an affinity for explosives, as they’re frequently responsible for you getting ahold of the bombs in the games. Does any of this sound similar?

That was a rhetorical question.

That was a rhetorical question.

What does a Graveler do? Well, it eats rocks, kinda like a Goron. It also rolls down mountains, also like a Goron. While a Goron may be able to provide you with a bomb pouch, bombs, or even bomb flowers, Graveler itself is a bomb, as it naturally learns Self Destruct.

Oh. And Gravelers were introduced in February of 1996, when Gen 1 was released, while Gorons came about in November of 1998. Now, I’m not saying that Gorons are ripping off Graveler, but I am implying it. Heavily. Gorons have gone on to become a staple of the Zelda series, and are extremely popular. While Graveler…? Well, Graveler is still where it always has been. An average at best evolution to a pretty okay Pokemon.

To be fair, Graveler has no personality whatsoever, while Gorons have this.

To be fair, Graveler has no personality whatsoever, while Gorons have this.

USING GRAVELER IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Again with the two good stats in a sea of awful stats. Unfortunately, Graveler doesn’t have a little thing like Little Cup to fall back on, like Geodude did, so it’s awful. 35 Speed is absolutely atrocious, and you’re not likely to get much out of Graveler even with a Rock Polish up. Your best option in my opinion is to first question why you picked a Graveler, and then commit suicide.
By which I mean a Stealth Rocks lead. Pump EV’s into your HP and Special Defense, then set up Stealth Rocks on your first turn. Assuming your enemy sets up on their own first turn, and you’re equipped with a Life Orb or something, you then use Explosion to rock your opponent’s world. Make sure Sturdy is your ability, so you can survive a horrible hit to get the explosion off. Other moves, should you have the opportunity to use any, should be Earthquake and Stone Edge. 95 Base Attack isn’t the worst ever, but don’t expect too much, and do keep in mind that if you’re using a Life Orb then using any other attacks will auto-break your Sturdy due to recoil. Eviolite is also viable, but you’ll be trading off a weaker Explosion for it.Or just don’t use Graveler. That’s the much more viable strategy to take out of all this.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 2/5
Graveler’s kind of creepy. Not the kinda guy I’d feel comfortable around.

DESIGN: 3/5
Two extra arms may be continuing the evolution theme that brought us Machamp, but it’s still pretty different here. Graveler’s extra arms are tiny, and therefore useless.

BATTLE: 1/5
Pokemon teenagers are generally awful. I’m really only bothering to do one for them for the few that are not only viable, but actually very good. Graveler is not one of those unfortunately.

WHY IS GOLEM: SO/WEIRD
I don’t know. It doesn’t look at all like a continuation of Graveler. Some people speculate that Golem was originally supposed to evolve into Graveler, because two extra arms seems much more evolution-y than a weird dinosaur motif, but I think that’s even dumber than it currently is.

OVERALL: 2/5

I admit I love that grin though.

#074 Geodude

Best eyebrows

So, Geodude’s alright. I guess. I love those giant eyebrows it has, but it does have a ridiculously silly name. Geodude. It’s a bit too simple for me. It’s on the same tier as names I just made up, like Stoneguy. Or Pebblebro.

Or Rockman.

Or Rockman.

You know, it’s something I didn’t consider until just now, but could the Geo in Geodude’s nickname come from Geodes? I always assumed it meant like Earth, or something, but Geodes are really pretty. Has anyone ever cracked open a Geodude to see what it looked like inside? I’m sure someone has! This is Pokemon, after all, and they’re not afraid to show things like Dragonite skeletons. So maybe some geologist has totally dissected a Geodude and examined all of the pretty, sparkly insides.

Would people poach Geodudes in that case.

Would people poach Geodudes in that case?

Geodude’s cool though. Sometimes. I liked that it was great as soon as you got it in Generation 1. Normal type moves were extremely common for anything you’d catch that early in the game, and Geodude’s Rock type resists them. On top of that, it’s got pretty high defenses period, so if you needed to swap something in to take a hit while you healed Pokemon you actually cared about, Geodude was there for you.

>:(

>:(

One thing I’ve always enjoyed about Geodude is its Pokedex entries across the series. They’re fantastic, and paint the life of a Geodude in a humorous light. Things started off fine, but when Pokemon Crystal came out, the entries went slightly off the rails.

Proud of their sturdy bodies, they bash against each other in a contest to prove whose is harder.

So Geodudes will just do sweet chest bumps to pass the time and prove who is stronger. Fair enough, lots real animals will test their strength against one another for dominance. Then, according to Pokemon Sapphire,

When Geodude sleeps deeply, it buries itself halfway into the ground. It will not awaken even if hikers step on it unwittingly. In the morning, this Pokémon rolls downhill in search of food.

They’ll go to sleep and sleep so heavily that they won’t even notice being stepped on. Then it rolls down a hill to find food. Fire Red continues the story, by saying,

Its round form makes it easy to pick up. Some people have used them to hurl at each other in a snowball fight.

Huh? Excuse me? People can just pick up Geodudes and toss them like snowballs? People can pick up a sixteen inch tall Pokemon that weighs forty-four pounds and hurl them at each other like snowballs? What, is Pokemon secretly populated by a race of giants and giantesses that take pleasure in pelting each other with Pokemon that go out of their way to make themselves as hard as possible?

Special thanks to the anonymous artist who drew this on short notice!

Wally should have known better than to befriend the 10-foot tall girl that from Littleroot Town

Pokemon is awesome.

DID YOU KNOW?

Nothing interesting about Geodude itself, but it really seems like someone over at GameFreak LOVES Geodude. Like, it’s weird. Geodude’s constantly looking like a cool guy, and it makes no sense. Let’s start with the basics. In Generation 1 the most popular starter was Charmander. So, in Pokemon Origins, when Red is going to be doing battle he sends out his Charmander to fight a Geodude. Knowing what we know about Pokemon, it’s safe to guess that Red is going to pull a win out of nowhere.

oh my

oh my

Well, maybe that’s just a fluke, right? I mean, sure, Geodude can take down Charmander, but the roles would change the instant Charmander evolves. Charizard has plot armor, and refuses to job to anyone. There’s no way in hell that Charizard would ever-

oh my again

ahahaha oh my god this is the best

Did you know that twelve Pokemon every day are killed by a charging Geodude? I mean, Charmander getting ruined is fine, because it’s got nothing that can stop a Geodude. Charizard is even better, since Charizard’s got a 4x weakness to Rock. It’s not like anyone else would be ruined by a charging Geodude, right?

NOT MEOWTH TOO?

NOT MEOWTH TOO?

Okay, maybe my setup on these jokes is a little obvious. I just thought it was funny how much official Geodude art makes it look like it’s something cooler than a rock head with arms. It literally gets confused for boulders all the time. It has no right being this cool It especially has no right to pull something like this.

This can't be legal

This can’t be legal

That’s it. I’m done. Except I’m not. I just want to leave you with one final image. As an esteemed member of the Pokemon community, I’ve been given early access to the upcoming games, Pokemon Omega Ruby and Pokemon Alpha Sapphire. As such, I’ve been given permission to show off an image from a cutscene in the game. I hope you all enjoy.

An idea so absurd it had to be depicted twice. This time with blood.

An idea so absurd it had to be depicted twice. This time with blood.

I hope the next game lets you be AZ height. it’s all I want in a Pokemon game.

USING GEODUDE IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

As you can see, Geodude has two great stats. A base 80 in Attack is fantastic for the tier, and a 100 in Defense is hilarious. Unfortunately, that 20 speed isn’t great. Fortunately, this can be countered with a nice little move called Rock Polish that Geodude gets access to. Add your EV’s into Speed, Attack, and Special Defense to have yourself a nice Pokemon capable of doing some pretty decent damage in the tier. As for attacks, you’ll want to go with Stone Edge / Rock Slide and Earthquake for STAB, and then? Well. Explosion is good if you want to go out with a bang, Brick Break is pretty decent Fighting coverage, Fire and Thunder punch are also good for coverage, and Sucker Punch is good for some Priority if you’re facing off against another Priority user.

Alternatively, you can swap Rock Polish out for Stealth Rock to set up an entry hazard. Access to Sturdy as an ability means Geodude is almost guaranteed to get the rocks set up, and it can then spend the rest of its time using the same moves as before. Unfortunately, Geodude’s typing isn’t the greatest, so while its Attack and Defense stats are admirable, it’s still not likely to last all that long.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 3/5
This would be higher if Geodude kept its old Gen1 rock hair.

DESIGN: 3/5
A rock with arms. It’s not terribly creative, but it’s also not just a golem or something, so it’s more creative than it could have been.

BATTLE: 3/5
Can be good, but it’ll usually just get punched in the face and die.

WHY IS MAY: BULLYING/WALLY
Ask GameFreak. They’re the ones that put the scenes in the game. I’m just reporting them. Quiet thanks to both of the anonymous artists who supported this blog by making the images. They’re fantastic.

OVERALL: 3/5

The eyebrows make Geodude look like a cranky old man

#073 Tentacruel

Lemme just give you a big ol' hug

Lemme just give you a big ol’ hug

Look at all those tentacles. I could go on and on about those and why Tentacruel is so very popular among certain circles for them, but I’d rather not. This is a (relatively) family friendly blog after all! I have standards!

I KNOW YOU EXPECTED PORN. CLICK FOR SOURCE.

I KNOW YOU EXPECTED PORN. CLICK FOR SOURCE.

Anyway, I’m not a huge fan of Tentacruel, but I certainly like it more than Tentacool. Instead of just two useless tentacles it’s got 80. At least, the Pokedex says Tentacruel has 80 tentacles. It’s still got those huge red wannabe eyes hanging out on top of its head, but they look less like eyes now, because Tentacruel’s face is much more obvious.

The one thing I don’t really like about Tentacruel’s design is the two oversized blue… things at the bottom of its body. I wanted to call them tentacles, because they’re mingled in with the rest of the tentacles, but I know they’re not. It looks like a giant set of pincers, but they also look a lot sturdier, and more solid than the rest of Tentacruel’s watery body. It’s weird. i think it could also be kinda like a beak, like octopi and squids have, but it’s not particularly shaped like a beak either.

It looks like a giant nose from some angles

It looks like a giant nose from some angles

While I’m at it, what’s with that black dome underneath Tentacruel. The section of its body that houses its face and connects to all the tentacles. I don’t really see the point of it. They could have just added Tentacruel’s eyes to the bottom of its big blue section and it’d be a lot more jelly-like than it is now.

You know what the best thing about Tentacruel is though? Its Generation 1 sprite. It’s not terrible, unlike almost every other time I’ve brought up Gen 1 sprites. It’s just silly.

Two tentacles have split off from the group and are now folded over the front of its body. This could be used in so many ways my mind is just spinning at the possibilities.


Do you really think you can defeat me?

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.


-Bryan Fury Laugh-


“I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!”

It’s hard to take Tentacruel seriously when he looks like the straight man in a comedy duo. It looks like Tentacruel just walked into its bedroom, only to find the thing in shambles. In the middle of it all are its two Tentacool children, realizing they’ve been caught causing trouble. For a moment, everything is calm, and the studio audience starts getting hyped up. They know what’s about to come.

Tentacruel huffs its nonexistent chest, crosses its tentacles, and utters its world-famous catch phrase.


You’ve got to be squidding me!

I think I just made myself like Tentacruel more than I did before.

DID YOU KNOW?

Turns out, Tentacruel isn’t based very much on a jellyfish. Instead, most of its attributes seem to come from two different animals. The squid, as I mentioned before, has its obvious queues, but then there’s the second one, the  Portuguese Man o’ War.

Sick blue LED's not included

Sick blue LED’s not included

It looks like a jellyfish, yes, but it’s actually a siphonophora, which is less a single organism and more a cluster of small organisms known as zooids. They basically hang out near each other, then snap together like legos to form the beautiful abomination you see above.

So what does Tentacruel have in common with them? Erm, well. Look! They’re blue! Man o’ Wars have like a jillion tentacles, and a creepy air-filled sack that serves as a head. Also their stings suck, but they only extremely rarely actually kill anyone.

It'll look like someone drew all over your leg though.

It’ll look like someone drew all over your leg though.

Also, uh, Tentacruel’s original name in the Pokemon Red and Blue beta was “Man O War”. It doesn’t get much more blatant than that. Except for its Japanese name, Dokukurage, which translates to “Poison Jellyfish”.

And I know I haven’t brought it up in awhile, but the Chinese names continue to be hilarious, with the Cantonese name translating to Dōgeukséuimóuh, or “Many feet jellyfish”. Also the Mandarin name is Dúcìshuǐmǔ for “Venomous Sting Jellyfish” It’s things like this that really make me appreciate the punsmiths that worked on localizing the game. Sure, some Pokemon have awful puns (Seel will forever be an unforgivable name) but I can appreciate Tenacruel.

USING TENTACRUEL IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Tentacruel got itself a nice boost to its Special Defense by another 20 points, and got itself some better HP and Physical Defense too. Tentacruel’s best option is to play the role of tank, and buff up its Defense and HP a bit. Then you can both remove hazards from your side of the field, while also setting up hazards on your opponent’s side!

So, Rapid Spin is a great move on Tentacruel. It’s got the bulk necessary to tank hits and get the move out, and it’s got a surprisingly decent Speed stat for a defensive Pokemon, meaning it actually has a solid shot of going first. Scald is a good attack as well. Not for its damage, because most enemies are going to shrug off an attack from a base 80 Special Attack stat, but the 30% Burn chance is extremely nice.

Then you’ve got yourself a good choice. The buffs to Toxic this gen make it a nice alternative over Toxic Spikes, if you’d like to do that. Either one is good, but I’m personally more of a Toxic Spikes person, because your opponent then has to either deal with the spikes, or spend a turn removing them, which you may be able to take advantage of. Then, of course, Knock Off is always a solid fourth move. Liquid Ooze is still the best option, so an enemy wall can’t try to outlast you, and thanks to Tentacruel’s Poison typing, it can use Black Sludge over Leftovers to mess with anyone that could try item switching on you.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 4/5
I do very much like the way Tentacruel looks. Especially that amazing Gen 1 sprite.

DESIGN: 2/5
It just gets bigger. Also it gets a beak… hook, nose, thing.

BATTLE: 4/5
Solid defensive wall with good typing, especially with the popularity of the new Fairy type.

80 TENACLES?: I ONLY COUNT/LIKE 14
I know drawing 80 tentacles would be difficult, but then, why bother saying they have 80?

OVERALL 3.3/5

Just keep swimming just keep swimming

#072 Tentacool

Not this guy again.

Not this guy again.

Does anyone out there actually like Tentacool? I mean, on paper, sure, I can see why. Those giant red things that are totally not eyes look kinda pretty, and despite all their shortcomings, jellyfish can be pretty too. It’s not insane to think someone could like a Tentacool.

The problem with Tentacool comes from its application, not the idea behind it. Tentacool are infesting the waters of the Pokemon world and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.

Pictured: Literally anywhere in Hoenn's oceans

Pictured: Literally anywhere in Hoenn’s oceans

Tentacool is one of the big reasons that nobody likes to use Surf in the Pokemon games. Just about every single route in every single game is overflowing with Tentacool, and everybody hates to fight them. They’re dumb, they’re weak, and not immediately useful. Also their red spots aren’t eyes which has always bothered me.

In a way though, this is accurate to real life.

Pictured: REALITY

Pictured: REALITY

Nobody likes jellyfish in real life either. They swarm in like a bunch of jerks and murder the crap out of everything in its own natural habitat. Then the Jellyfish reproduce, and create giant horrible crowds of jellyfish that also go out and murder more things. It’s a horrible cycle and it’s having a pretty bad effect on fish markets.

Tentacool, similarly, completely infests the waters of almost every region in the entire series. Seriously. Here’s a list of locations via Bulbapedia.

PART 1 OF 2. SERIOUSLY.

PART 1 OF 2. SERIOUSLY.

-takes a deep breath

"Where can I find a Tentacool?" asked NO ONE EVER

“Where can I find a Tentacool?” asked NO ONE EVER

Seriously. Until I looked that up just now I’d completely forgotten that Tentacool was completely absent from Generation 5, which also just happens to be my favorite generation. Maybe they’re related? Huh.

Wait a second. Generation 3 also has the most locations of any other game, and that just so happens to be my least favorite generation. Huh. This is all starting to make sense. I know you can’t see me right now, so you’re going to have to just trust me, but this is a huge revelation for me. I’m glad you could all share it with me.

This is my face right now

This is my face right now

Tentacool is always there to ruin a good time. This is in unfortunate contrast to its very name. Tentacool, a portmanteau of Tentacle, and Cool. I like it as a pun, but cool is never the first word anyone would go to if they needed to describe a Tentacool. Or jellyfish in general, really.

So I’d like to propose a new name for Tentacool. From this day forward, the species shall be known as “Swim Faster”. When you see a Tentacool, it’ll call out its name, urging you to swim faster and escape before you encounter another one. This is what things would be like if I was in charge of coming up with Pokemon names.

SWIM FASTER! SWIM FASTER!

SWIM FASTER! SWIM FASTER!

And I would be awesome at it.

DID YOU KNOW?

I figured I had 2 options here. I could talk more about jellyfish and the very real dangers they pose to the world’s oceans. I could mention all the billions lost in fishing because of the swarming jellyfish, and why you should be very concerned about this. It would be boring, but educational, and very easy to do with some research.

Or I could talk about an episode of the anime that featured a Tentacool and its relationship with one of the major characters. This seems simple, but it involves finding the episode online, watching it, taking screens, possibly making gifs, and getting it all into a nice digestible format here. It would be less fun for me, but more fun for the reader.

Guess which one I chose.

Adorable

Adorable

Luckily, the entire episode wasn’t centered around Tentacool, so I didn’t have to watch it all. So the Did you know section for Tentacool is more about May, the girl who replaced Misty starting in the Generation 3 anime. May’s always been popular with the fans, and I’m pretty sure it’s because the artists had no idea what size of bustline is appropriate for a 10-year old girl.

IT WOULDN'T HURT TO HAVE SOME MODESTY

IT WOULDN’T HURT TO HAVE SOME MODESTY

Well, it turns out, May is terrified of Tentacool. I used to think the anime characters were completely 2-dimensional and there was nothing to them.

I mean, I was right, but it was still nice knowing they at least tried one time with May. So, to spare my poor, innocent readers the herculean task of actually watching the episode this bit of characterization comes from, I’ll explain it here.

THIS IS ADORABLE

THIS IS ADORABLE

So one day May was hanging out in the ocean. The Hoenn ocean. She was waring a blue swimsuit and a blue swimcap and just generally being adorable. WHEN SUDDENLY.

OH... SHIT

OH… SHIT

Two Tentacool pop up! She thinks they’re pretty, and plays with them.

Nothing dangerous about this at all.

Nothing dangerous about this at all.

And then, well. I think it just works better in gif form.

I CAN'T HANDLE THE CUTE

I CAN’T HANDLE THE CUTE

So. Like any of us would have done at that age, she screams for help from her parents. They hear the cries of their young girl, and rush into action.

But wait! There's a twist!

But wait! There’s a twist!

Of course, May’s mother then throws a Pokeball at May, thinking that she’s a Tentacool. Unfortunately, this isn’t shown, so I can’t get any screens or a gif of it, but it’s probably hilarious so just keep thinking about it. And, yeah, that’s why May apparently hates Tentacools. Or used to. That’s kind of unclear. As an apology for not being able to finish this off in a way that I thought would be hilarious, have an extra gif I made from a scene right after that.

Can it be? The legendary Super Saiyan?!

Can it be? The legendary Super Saiyan?!

USING TENTACOOL IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Tentacool has one outstanding stat, as you can see. 100 Special Defense is fantastic, and certainly gives Tentacool a workable niche as a Rapid Spinner. Also as a setter of Toxic Spikes, which are a lovely entry hazard.

So, of course, Rapid Spin is a move you’ll want to use. Also Scald, because, I mean, 30% Burn chance with 80 Power is hilariously awesome. Who wouldn’t use Scald if they were Special Attack oriented and had access to it? Toxic Spikes is a good third move, as I mentioned earlier as well. After that, well, erm, there’s only one slot left. You can use it on another attack, and have Tentacool learn Sludge Bomb for a secondary STAB, Knock Off for utility, or Dazzling Gleam / Giga Drain / Hidden Power / Ice Beam for additional coverage.

Berry Juice is the standard, “HELP I’M GOING TO DIE RESTORE ME TO FULL HEALTH” item in Little Cup, so Tentacool does well with that, and of Tentacool’s three abilities, Liquid Ooze is probably the most useful. It makes sure that any attempts to drain Tentacool’s health actually deal damage to the opponent, putting a hamper on moves like Giga Drain or Leech Seed. Then just add your EV’s into your Special Defense, Defense, and HP stats to get yourself a pretty workable little addition to a Little Cup team!

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 4/5
I hate Tentacool, I really do. But I hate it for how often it appears, not its appearance.

DESIGN: 3/5
Okay, Tentacool works just fine as a jellyfish, it really does. The problem comes in the form of its not-eyes sitting on top of its head. Two huge red things that could pass for eerie eyes, and instead they add a tiny face beneath it. This is absolutely terrible, and would ruin the design if the rest of it weren’t good.

BATTLE: 4/5
Rapid Spin away all the obstacles, and set up some of your own. Perfect.

ANNOYING: 100/100
GOD I HATE HOW GOOD THIS SCORES I HATE TENTACOOL HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

etc etc

etc etc

OVERALL: 3.6/5

I’d say I wish you never existed, but I know something worse would replace you

#071 Victreebel

How about them character limits?

FINALLY. We’re at the end of this awful line of Pokemon. I don’t like Victreebel either, but I do like the attempted pun in its name. Victory + Tree + Bell. Unfortunately, a 10 character limit in Generation 1 means that Bell is spelled wrong, as bel, unlike Bellsprout or Weepinbell.

But, at least Victreebel is now properly shaped like a pitcher plant again. I mean, I’m sure if someone wanted to make an argument for Victreebel being drawn upside down they could, but, well, look at it! Can you imagine how horrifying it’d look if those eyes and mouth were right next to each other? It’s much less terrifying to take in if it just looks like it’s got shifty eyes, and not a big dumb monster face.

I'm terrible!

I’m terrible!

I do like the leaf on top of Victreebel’s mouth though. I assumed it was just there to contain whatever went into its mouth now, but according to the Pokedex it uses the leaf as a lure, much like an anglerfish. Unsuspecting prey is lured in with the teasing tickles of a leaf that doesn’t know the definition of personal space, and then…

I know someone out there is enjoying this picture a little too much.

I know someone out there is enjoying this picture a little too much.

In the anime James had a Victreebel. Its gimmick was that it would clamp onto his face and try to eat him upon being sent out. Every. Time.

EVERY. TIME.

EVERY. TIME.

I’ve mentioned before that I hold no fondness for the Pokemon anime, and I never have. I do go to it occasionally as a source of comedy based just off of how bad it is. The Victreebel gag is a perfect way to explain it. Victreebel is called out. James orders Victreebel to attack Pikachu / whoever is fighting against him right now. Victreebel clamps on James’s head, and the audience laughs.

It’s terrible. It may have been funny once a long time ago, but it certainly didn’t last. Now that I’m older, and more of a cynical jerk I can see that it’s probably there to save money. Just stick a new background behind the familiar image of James being engulfed by his Pokemon, and congratulations you just saved a few seconds of animation by reusing a gag!

But sometimes Victreebel can't eat it! Classic.

But sometimes Victreebel can’t eat it! Classic.

I think the whole idea was flawed from the very beginning though. What can you do with a Victreebel? It’s literally just a giant mouth that looks like a marital aid. There’s nothing there. They could’ve given them a cool, interesting Pokemon to work with like a Rhydon, or a Pinsir or something. Instead we got Victreebel, and the most one-note joke of all time.

GET A NEW BIT ALREADY

GET A NEW BIT ALREADY

Also it made a horrible screeching sound before it ate James, and nobody wants to hear that.

DID YOU KNOW?

Way back when I wrote Venonat I brought up Index Numbers, as proof that Venonat was likely never intended to be a pre-evolution to Butterfree. Well, Victreebel may not have any controversy that requires Index Numbers to prove, but it does have an interesting fact involving them.

Victreebel has an Index Number of 190. Not a typo.

Gather round Professor Swadloon Children, it's time to learn.

Gather around Professor Swadloon Children, it’s time to learn.

If you ever need to punch someone in the mouth for claiming that only the first 151 Pokemon are good, this is something to keep in mind. The first “151 Pokemon” were actually the first “190 Pokemon”. There were 39 Pokemon designs they intended to put into Generation 1, but whether it was because of time restraints, budget, or just simply not having enough space, they didn’t make it.

Who were those 39 Pokemon? I made a nice collage of them all plus their Index Numbers in the data. Enjoy~

Click for full size. Source for bottom right image is here

Click for full size. Source for bottom right image is here

190 Pokemon in Generation 1, and the Index Number is generally a good way to determine when in development a Pokemon was added. I don’t know about any of you guys, but I would gladly exchange Victreebel for any one of these (But mainly Porygon2, because Porygon looks so lonely in Gen 1).

It’s all a bit underwhelming, isn’t it? A lot of people would like to believe that Mew was the last Pokemon added, because it adds a mystique to the Pokemon. It creates a legend. A Pokemon so rare it can’t be found in the game. A Pokemon so special it can learn every TM and HM. A Pokemon so secret it had to be added to the game when nobody was looking.

Where does Mew fall? Index number 21, and Victreebel gets the dubious honor of being the final Pokemon at number 190.

USING VICTREEBEL IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

Terrible. What were they thinking with a bunch of these stat spreads in Generation 1?

I don’t recommend using Victreebel. Almost every other Grass type in existence can do its job more efficiently. What is its job? I’m sure you’re familiar with it! Chlorophyll sweeper! Set Sun up, and have Victreebel go to town with 2x Speed. Solarbeam is a must, as usual. Sludge Bomb is the perfect secondary STAB. A small niche I suppose Victreebel has over other Grass types is access to Weather Ball, which becomes a 100 BP Fire typed attack if the Sun is up, offering it some decent coverage and ways to combat other Chlorophyll Pokemon. After that? Well, Knock Off, or Sleep Powder can be good. Growth is also great for a Nasty Plot equivalent if Sun is up.

If you don’t want to use Victreebel in Sun, you can swap out Solarbeam for Power Whip, and, well, it’s pretty much the same, except you’ll want to pump some EV’s into Defense instead of just Special Attack + Speed like you would with the Sun up.

Please don’t use Victreebel.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 1/5
Still ugly, still dumb.

DESIGN: 3/5
Some decent ideas at play here with the leaf lure, and it manages to avoid just becoming bigger with that. Unfortunately Victreebel is extremely one note, and you can’t really imagine it doing much aside from standing around and waiting for something to fall into its mouth and get eaten.

BATTLE: 2/5
At least it’s better than Weepinbell.

WORST GRASS TYPES?: YES/MAYBE
I don’t like to speak in definites because there’s 700+ Pokemon as I’m writing this. For right now I’ll simply say the Victreebel line is the worst one I’ve covered so far, and very likely the worst one in Gen1.

OVERALL: 2/5

Would make for a great plant in a sci-fi movie at least.

#070 Weepinbell

Unfathomably stupid

Unfathomably stupid

Bellsprout was bad, but Weepinbell is stupid.

Let’s look at this thing here. It’s still got leaf arms, which still seem like just as bad of an idea as before. Its eyes are bigger, but not better, as they look more like glued on googly eyes. It’s also lost its legs. The games portray Weepinbell as a floating Pokemon, but you and I know the truth. There’s no way this thing can float.

Pokedex entries state that the big brown thing sticking out the back of its head is a hook, and it hangs from trees, lures in prey, and eats them like it always has, because, you know, it’s a pitcher plant. Now, let me ask you, can you spot anything wrong with this? Cause I sure can, and I’d be happy to inform you of where the problem lies.

Are you ready? An old Pokemon Bandai card illustrated this point perfectly.

Awful

Awful

Tada. Do you know how a cup works? You fill up a cup, and you drink from a cup. A pitcher plant is full of liquid so things fall in, can’t get out, and are dissolved. Weepinbell’s problem is that IT’S UPSIDE DOWN. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO DRINK OUT OF A CUP THAT’S UPSIDE DOWN?

And the voices of a thousand Weepinbell apologists were silenced.

And the voices of a thousand Weepinbell apologists were silenced.

Now, the reasons why this is a problem should be exceedingly obvious, but I’ll level with you. Let’s say that Weepinbell is always just depicted upside down. That makes sense, right? It’s like that Wobbuffet theory that I won’t go into right now because I want to use it when I get there.

So, Weepinbell is just drawn upside down. In reality it’s still a perfectly fine pitcher, and more dangerous because it’s evolved, and now filled with corrosive acids. There. Problem explained. Checkmate Professor Swadloon.

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED

This can make sense. After all, if you were in a fight and had a cup of acid, you’d be pouring that upside down to hurt your opponent, and not just carrying the cup normally everywhere. However, as I mentioned earlier, that brown stem on Weepinbell’s head is a hook. Weepinbell hangs from trees and just vomits acid onto everything below it.

In a way, this is super hardcore awesome, but at the same time, it really just makes me want to punch the next Weepinbell I see in the face for being so inconsiderate.

Would you believe that nobody's drawn that? Weird.

Would you believe that nobody’s drawn that? Weird.

In summary: Weepinbell looks dumb. Weepinbell has no legs. Weepinbell probably is dumb. Weepinbell doesn’t float. Weepinbell makes no sense. Stop liking Weepinbell if you do.

That’s it. Those are my two cents.

PEACE. I'M OUT.

PEACE. I’M OUT.

DID YOU KNOW?

Weepinbell is all kinds of creepy. I mean, it collects acid in its mouth and uses that to dissolve enemies. If we ignore the stupidity about this, it’s all kinds of terrifying. That’s not all though. It’s time for some creepy Pokedex entries! Ahem, and I quote:

It spits out poisonpowder to immobilize the enemy and then finishes it with a spray of acid.

When hungry, it swallows anything that moves. Its hapless prey is melted inside by strong acids.

Armed with razor-sharp leaves, it uses toxic pollen to immobilize its enemy and melts the helpless foe with acid.

If its prey is bigger than its mouth, it slices up the victim with sharp leaves, then eats every morsel.

Pokedex entries for Pokemon Red/Blue, Pokemon Yellow, Pokemon Stadium, and Pokemon Silver respectively. What can we gleam from all this? Well, our little friend Weepinbell is like the villain in a slasher movie. It’s the Jason Voorhees of the Pokemon world, cutting prey apart and spraying acid all over them mercilessly. Except unlike Jason Weepinbell then eats the remains.

ALSO THERE'S MORE THAN ONE

ALSO THERE’S MORE THAN ONE

I’ve been meaning to do write-ups on horrifying Pokedex entries before, but I really wanted Weepinbell to be the first simply for how brutal it sounds. Look at that thing. it doesn’t look like it’d be anymore of a threat than a weed growing in your hard, and then you have to read about how it violently slices things up and eats them.

Then you can’t even put a cool spin on it, because, well, look at it! Weepinbell doesn’t even look cool. You can’t pretend like Weepinbell is Zandatsu’ing all over its prey before eating them, because it looks dumb in every way.

I refer to Revengeance specifically when I say Zandatsu

I refer to Revengeance specifically when I say Zandatsu

Am I done yet? There’s still another section? REALLY? SON OF A-

USING WEEPINBELL IN BATTLE

dumb stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Weepinbell is terrible in battle. Grass / Poison isn’t the worst typing around, but its defenses are too low to try for Toxic stalling via Eviolite and do it well. If you must use Weepinbell that’s pretty much your only option, and you should invest EV’s into HP and Defense before slapping Eviolite on top. Toxic, Leech Seed, and Synthesis are practically required, while a solid fourth move would be Knock Off, Clear Smog, Venoshock, or Giga Drain.

That’s it. No more. I’m done.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 1/5
Dumb. Dopey. Googly eyes. The worst.

DESIGN: 1/5
Pitcher plants work in a specific way, and Weepinbell is an abomination and should be treated as such.

BATTLE: 1/5
Pokemon teenagers have a rough time in battles, so I don’t expect many of them to do well. Weepinbell is another unfortunate victim of my need to do a Battle section on every Pokemon.

WEEPINBELL: HAS/FANS?
I doubt it. I think anyone claiming to like Weepinbell is probably doing it for hipster cred. I’m still not entirely convinced something like Dunsparce has any real fans either.

OVERALL: 1/5

Lowest score ever. You should be proud.