#123 Scyther

*unsheathes scythes*

Scyther knows how to kill you seven hundred ways before you can blink, and half of those are involve mutilating your scrotum. Scyther’s design was conceived back before anyone knew anything about what Pokemon was going to be. At that time GameFreak dared to ask the question we’ve all had on our minds. What if you could create a game entirely around spin kicks? While I certainly love what Pokemon eventually became, I sometimes lie awake at night wondering what it would be like if history was different.

Each of these arms has been folded one million times.

Each of these arms has been folded one million times.

When you describe Scyther to someone your heart rate increases and your fists start to glow. A flying humanoid mantis with scythes for arms is the kind of enemy that video games aspire to be. It doesn’t help that the mad scientist responsible for creating Scyther went that extra step and added ninja DNA to the mix. Now you’ve got a five foot bug with blades for arms hiding in the tall grass and he’s pissed.

I’ve always wanted to see Scyther make cameos in other games. Something violent, and rated M for extreme violence. I want to see Bayonetta go head to head with a Scyther that isn’t limited by an E for Everyone rating. I want to see Dante, both from Dante’s Inferno and Devil May Cry, face off against a Scyther at the exact same time.

Just imagine that like, PIkachu got cut in half.

Just imagine that like, Pikachu got cut in half here.

I don’t understand why more people don’t panic when they run into a Scyther. In the games its always treated as just another wild encounter and not a “You’d better be supremely confident if you’re not going to run away” kind of thing. In Pokemon Gold and Silver you could even find Scyther as part of the bug catching challenge that you can do relatively early in the game.

You can bet your face that I took advantage of that too. I didn’t even care about winning. I just wanted a guaranteed Scyther, and wandered the grass until I found one and caught it. It also usually won (Except when someone else got lucky and caught a Pinsir) and that Scyther would come with me through the entire game. Just me and my Scyther.

Especially since Gen 2 finally added some good Bug typed moves

Especially since Gen 2 finally added some good Bug typed moves to fight off the Psychic types.

Unfortunately Generation 2 also added the thing that would kill Scyther’s appeal forever. An evolution. An admittedly also super cool evolution, Scizor. Suddenly the unstoppable rage machine that is going to hate-kill your wimpy form into shape had to play second fiddle to a bug-mech with huge mechanical scissors.

So let’s remember Scyther the way it used to be. Sharp, deadly, and annoyingly difficult to catch.

Or just, you know. However you want, really. I don’t care.

This is how I choose to remember Scyther!

This is how I choose to remember Scyther!

DID YOU KNOW?

There is something that keeps Scyther completely unique from every other Pokemon that has ever evolved ever. It’s a little thing called stats, and Scyther’s abundance of them.

Way more than this Chikorita's.

Way more than this Chikorita’s.

For a single stage Pokemon Scyther has a pretty high stat total of 500. For reference, the generally considered hard cap on Pokemon that aren’t box legendaries is a cap of 600. All lower-tier legendaries have a base stat total of 600, along with a Pokemon per generation that is usually called a “Pseudo Legendary” and has the same stat total.

Anyway, when giving something an evolution you have to add some more stats, but with 500 there’s not much more you can add and still be safe with Scyther. So once, and only once, they created an evolution that doesn’t have a higher stat total than its predecessor. Scyther and Scizor both have a 500 combined stat total!

I mean. I thought that was super interesting. I don’t know if you guys did. Another mildly fun fact is that Scyther’s base stat total of 500 means that it has the highest of any Pokemon that can evolve. You’d think that Scyther and Scizor having the same stat total would make them pretty similar in battle, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. Why’s that? Well, it really just goes to show how certain aspects of an otherwise solid Pokemon can ruin it.

USING SCYTHER IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Typing. Typing is the difference maker. 70 HP isn’t amazing, but 80/80 Defenses are pretty decent for Scyther. On top of that you have a respectable speed in 105, and a nice 110 Attack stat. Technician is a fine ability, and Bug / Flying STABS are definitely better than Bug / Steel STAB.

Scyther is awful compared to Scizor though. Bug / Flying is an atrocious type defensively, while Bug / Steel is fantastic. Anyway, in order to use Scyther you’ll want to have it equip a Choice Band, and raise your Speed and Attack via EV Training. Technician is a fantastic ability that will raise the power of any attacks with a BP of 60 or less, making it perfect to use with the normally worthless Aerial Ace. Bug Bite is a good secondary STAB option that is also boosted by Technician, and has a great added bonus of removing any berries your opponent is holding. Your last two moves are really up to you, but the best options are Quick Attack for Priority, U-Turn, for a secondary bug STAB with a great effect, Knock Off for utility, Brick Break for coverage, and Pursuit for different utility + a move boosted by Technician.

You can also try for an Eviolite Scyther and replace a move slot with Swords Dance if you would be so inclined. Note that 4x Damage from a Rock type move will pretty much guarantee your death anyway. If Scyther had some better typing it would be a fantastic choice in battle. As it is now though it has to watch out for the dreaded Stealth Rock, and really any small pebbles anywhere.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 5/5
OH MY GOD THIS IS THE COOLEST.

DESIGN: 4/5
A humanoid praying mantis with scythes for arms. Scyther is seven kinds of hardcore and they all taste like jerky.

BATTLE: 2/5
Could certainly be worse, but Bug / Flying is a terrible type and negatively affects many Pokemon. Including Scyther.

ONE: LAST/THING
Scyther has an awful shiny. Just the worst. I felt like I should bring that up.

OVERALL: 3.6/5
123123f
Female Scyther have a bigger abdomen! Which, uh, you can’t really see here.

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#085 Dodrio

Ahahahaha

Ahahahaha

So there I was, faced with a dilemma. I could bring up this site, and write about Dodrio a bit, or, I could continue playing Super Smash Bros. on 3DS. I gave into temptation. Twice. But that game is really fun guys. You should go play it if you haven’t already.

Anyway, onto Dodrio. Dodrio is weird. It gets three giant pink tailfeathers, and it looks like it grew a bit so the brown part of its body exploded on the bottom revealing some black legs underneath. There’s also two sharp feathers on Dodrio’s forehead, and, of course, the most obvious difference is that Dodrio now has an extra head. Three heads. That’s just awkward.

How many copypasted heads can you spot?

How many copypasted heads can you spot?

There is one thing about that third head that I really like though. It’s that third head. The head that’s not quite into it. The head on the left, or, if Dodrio is facing you, the head on the right. Unless the artist involved was just being lazy or something, that head is never quite as into it as the others. It’s easy to assume that this is the new head that as gained upon evolution. The other two heads were the ones that existed as a Doduo, because they’re clearly on the same page. They’ve been around together for a long time, and are still perfectly capable of working together. Meanwhile the new guy would rather be at home chewing gum or whatever, instead of helping out (Though it does so reluctantly.)

Of course, that’s the assumption. What if the uncooperative head is actually one of the original heads. Like as a Doduo that head got along with the second head just fine and they became closest friends (In more ways than one.) But then one day the Doduo evolved, and instead of growing a new head to the side, Doduo grew a new head inbetween the two other heads. So now one of the heads is suffering clinical depression because it’s been separated from its friend, while the other two heads are new best friends.

BUT CAN YOU PROVE THAT I'M WRONG?

BUT CAN YOU PROVE THAT I’M WRONG?

One detail I really enjoy is that Dodrio supposedly moves slower than Doduo. This makes sense, cause I’d assume that an extra head would, you know, weigh it down a bit. It’d create a drag, and reduce aerodynamicism if that’s even a word (And spellcheck is telling me that it’s not). The Pokedex lists Doduo’s top speed as 60 miles per hour, while Dodrio can only reach a top speed of 40 miles per hour. Science, and attention to detail! Good job GameFreak!

Enjoy a gif of the ONLY cool animated moment Dodrio has ever had.

Enjoy a gif of the ONLY cool animated moment Dodrio has ever had.

Just, erm, ignore the fact that Dodrio has a Speed stat of 100, which is higher than Doduo’s 75 Speed.

DID YOU KNOW?

So, why is that third head of Dodrio always so depressed looking? My assumption is that it just doesn’t want to fight. Maybe it would rather stay home, and draw puppies. Maybe this head isn’t into this whole fighting thing, and would just rather focus on other things that it deems more important.

Look at that bored head

Look at that bored head

Of course, this is all conjecture, so please don’t treat it as fact. It’s merely a theory as to why Dodrio’s third head is the way it is.

It all comes down to the way your brain things. People typically refer to it as whether a person is a left-brain thinker, or a right brain thinker. It all comes from some research done by a man named Roger Sperry in the 1960’s, who basically did some research into which parts of the brains control which things. Psychologists at the time ran with the idea, and basically made fact which endeavors were controlled by which parts of the brain. The conclusion? Left brain thinkers are more analytical, and logical, while right brain thinkers are more creative, and free-thinking.

And then everybody made a ton of money

And then everybody made a ton of money

Now, this was generally considered to be the truth by everyone except those into neuroscience. And before I go any further I’d like to add that this was definitively proven false just last year when a group of scientists examined over a thousand brains and definitively proved that both sides of your brain are used at all times and neither side is predominant when doing things.

Anyway, the point is that while this wasn’t true, it was accepted as much. So, what does all this have to do with Dodrio? Well, take a look at its Pokedex entry for Generation 4.

When DODUO evolves into this odd breed, one of its heads splits into two. It runs at nearly 40 mph.

Going by what was generally accepted as true at the time, it wouldn’t be too far off to assume that this head being split into two meant that one head was left with an entirely left-thinking brain, while the other is entirely right. So, does it add up? Sadly, no, not really. The right side is generally more associated with emotions, so right thinkers are more prone to depression, and the like, but it’s clearly the leftmost head that is feeling down. An easy explanation for this is that it was simply drawn wrong, because, after all, when looking at Dodrio from the front, it is actually the right head. And it’s not like people haven’t just made mistakes like this before and run with them hoping nobody will notice.Or maybe I’m just way overthinking things. Yeah, that’s probably it.

USING DODRIO IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Dodrio has just enough Speed to be fine. Barely. Assuming you’re not playing it against stuff that’s really good. Throw a Choice Band onto Dodrio for a nice Attack boost, and slam into things with Brave Bird and Return. Pursuit is still a great way to trap things weak to it as well. Good fourth move options include Quick Attack for priority, or Knock Off because it’s Knock Off. All three of Dodrio’s abilities are terrible, but, again, Early Bird is the least terrible.

Don’t use Dodrio. I don’t know why Dodrio is the way it is, but it’s terrible.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 2/5
All these weird black bits then you add some pink feathers. These are some strange palette choices.

DESIGN: 2/5
A nice little bunch of changes and I like the head that’s not liking this, but its main visual gimmick is still only that it’s got an extra head.

BATTLE: 2/5
Not even once.

THE HEAD: SPLITS INTO/TWO?
I had no idea either and that is awful.

OVERALL: 2/5

Like before, the black necks are male and brown are female!

#084 Doduo

Is this a joke?

Is this a joke?

I like to believe that Doduo is the result of laziness. Some artist was tasked with coming up with some Pokemon, and instead of doing his job this particular fellow was just doodling. Maybe he didn’t get enough sleep the night before. Maybe he had just finished designing a dozen other Pokemon, and was fatigued for the night.

Either way, he was just drawing some circles when suddenly someone else comes up, and asks how the design for the newest Pocket Monster is coming along. In a panic, he quickly connects the three circles together, and claims that it’s a new bird type. It’s like an ostrich mixed with a kiwi and had two heads! His supervisor suspects that the man wasn’t doing his job, but, he doesn’t hate the idea of a two-headed bird. So the man is ordered to have a final draft available by the end of the day.

And thanks to that man’s laziness we have Doduo. Doduo is brown, fuzzy, and has giant feet. Its main attraction of course is the fact that it has two heads, instead of just one.

:D

Look at that bird. Doduo is kinda cute in its own, weird way, but is mostly bizarre. The Pokedex tells us that both of Doduo’s brains are exactly the same, so they’re able to operate like a single entity.

That’s terrible. This is a Pokemon. A fictional entity. You could easily claim that Doduo has two different brains and regularly uses them to think at twice the speed of other birds. That would at least give it some kind of cool difference over the other Normal / Flying types. Right now the only real advantage it has is not looking like it can fly at all. Sure, that’d be a gimmick. A terrible gimmick, but a gimmick nonetheless. Except, well, it can learn Fly. Despite all appearances, Doduo can learn the the HM Fly.

Ahaha this will never not be funny

Ahaha this will never not be funny

You know what’s hilarious? Charizard couldn’t. For the original Pokemon Red and Blue, Charizard could not learn Fly, yet Doduo could. Unfortunately, this was changed as of Pokemon Yellow, so I can’t laugh at Charizard’s great misfortune anymore.

But the more I look at this thing the more I can’t help but like it. A little bit, at least. Yes, it’s dumb. Yes it’s stupid. But it’s also fuzzy. And let’s face it, fuzzy things are cute. It’s also got thin little naked chicken legs, which are funny too. And a lot of the art seems to go out of its way to portray Doduo as either cute, or a victim.

Hey guys what's goin' on in here?

Hey guys what’s goin’ on in here?

In the end though, Doduo is still unremarkable. There are many many things they could have done to make yet another Normal / Flying typed Pokemon more interesting, but they didn’t. Like the others, Doduo is fast, has a decent physical attack stat, and is frail. There’s nothing else worth writing about.

OH NO LOOK OUT DODUO

OH NO LOOK OUT DODUO!

DID YOU KNOW?

This is weak, but it’s all that I can find.

So, without further ado, meet Tomoaki Imakuni. You may know him better as Imakuni?

Japan you so silly

Japan you so silly.

That’s not a question by the way. He really and truly is commonly known as “Imakuni?”, question mark and all. Basically, he’s a musician. A very eccentric musician, as you can tell. He did a lot of music for the Pokemon anime, and also had a big hand in promoting the trading card game over in Japan. He drew some cards, did some ads, and, of course, was even an opponent in the GameBoy game based off of the TCG.

At least his outfit is mildly less silly.

At least his outfit is mildly less silly.

Imakuni? is a silly fellow, as you can plainly see. As part of his promotions for the TCG, there was a series of cards released that were basically his Pokemon. They were joke cards, and are (unfortunately) not legal in tournament play. Among these cards though was Imakuni?’s Doduo.

GET BACK HERE!

GET BACK HERE!

Things get a little bit shaky here, but my assumption is that Imakuni?’s Doduo had a bad habit of running away. As such, the card’s effect basically orders you to throw the card as far away as you can for no real reason. Its attack also forces you to a sing a song from beginning to end before the damage is dealt. It’s silly, yeah, but it’s not exclusive to Doduo. There’s about a dozen of these cards, and other Pokemon like Whismur also have Imakuni? versions.

However, there is one thing that Doduo, and only Doduo can lay claim to.

Shiny!

Shiny!

This is an official Pokemon TCG coin. They apparently have released quite a few of these over the years in Japan. They’re meant to basically just be stand-ins for regular coins on cards that have effects activated via coin flip. Dozens of these coins have been released over the years, but only one bears an image of one of Imakuni?’s Pokemon. And that is this coin. Imakuni?’s Doduo.

THAT WAS A LOT OF EXPLANATION SHUT UP I FOUND IT KINDA COOL.

USING DODUO IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Doduo isn’t particularly remarkable among its trillions of Normal / Flying type brethren. In a nutshell, throw a Choice Scarf onto Doduo and start hitting stuff with Brave Bird and Knock Off. A secondary STAB can be found in either Return or Double Edge, while Doduo is weeping for coverage because that’s about all you can get. Pursuit is a good move, but it’s not offering any additional coverage, but, at the same time, what else are you gonna use? If you go Life Orb over Choice Scarf you can sub in Quick Attack for some priority, but there’s really very little reason to bother with Doduo.

None of its abilities are particularly good, with Early Bird being the only one worth using, and you’ll of course want to maximize your Attack and Speed EV’s. I mean, I guess Doduo’s usable, but there’s little reason to use it over just about any other bird. So I’d stick to something more effective. The only notable thing Doduo has is its typing + access to Pursuit, so make sure to make good use of that.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 3/5
What’s brown and fuzzy? YOUR MO-just kidding it’s Doduo.

DESIGN: 2/5
A bird with two heads is a good start. Shame the idea didn’t evolve much beyond that.

BATTLE: 2/5
Maybe things will get better when Doduo evolves. Maybe.

I’M DONE WITH DODUO: TIME FOR/SMASH BROS.
I’m finishing this 90 minutes before it releases here. I can’t contain myself.

OVERALL: 2.3/5

Male Doduo have black necks, while female have brown!

#083 Farfetch’d

Look at that glare

Look at that glare

Farfetch’d is sending mixed signals.

So here we go with another Normal / Flying type Pokemon. Farfetch’d is different from the others though. Farfetch’d has a black marking on its head that makes it look as if it’s constantly giving an angry glare, and its wings operate more like hands, much like Lugia. It carries with it a stick, which it uses to attack enemies and be awesome.

Just don’t forget, Farfetch’d is sending mixed signals.

Farfetch'd is awesome

Farfetch’d is awesome

Farfetch’d is a pretty popular Pokemon because it seems to be based a little bit off of samurais. It carries a leek with it that even the Pokedex says it uses like a steel sword. Farfetch’d has thus gained a bit of a reputation as a huge badass in the fanbase. Just imagine it. A tiny duck is using a leek as a sword to cut down foes left and right. Farfetch’d is everything everyone wishes they were.

And you know what? That’s cool. I would love a brave, noble Pokemon that everyone can look up to. Farfetch’d would be a great role model for children everywhere, and even I can’t resist Farfetch’d’s cool look. Definitely would recommend this Pokemon. 10/10

Look at that determination!

Look at that determination through adversity!

But Farfetch’d is sending mixed signals. Outside of Generation 1, Farfetch’d’s Pokedex entries almost never compare the stick to a sword. instead, they choose to paint Farfetch’d not as a cool, heroic ‘mon, but as some strange, obsessive Pokemon. And what is the object of Farfetchd’s insane obsession? Why, its stick, of course!

Yes, you and I may easily recognize that as a green onion, or a leek, but the game almost always chooses to refer to it as a “stick”, plain and simple. And seriously, no game past the first generation ever compares it to a sword again. Beginning in Generation 2 we get to read that Farfetch’d will protect its sticks from others with one of its own sticks, while Silver states that in a pinch, a Farfetch’d may eat its own stick and then immediately begin a search for a new stick.

Moving onto Generation 3 things get really bad. Ruby and Sapphire say that Farfetch’d is always seen with a stick, and it expands the stick’s lore by claiming that there are good sticks and bad sticks. A Farfetch’d will fight another Farfetch’d over sticks. Fire Red adds that the stick is used to build nests. Fourth Gen adds to this by claiming that it simply can’t live without its stick.

That would explain a lot.

That would explain a lot.

So, in the end, what are we to believe? Is Farfetch’ed the cool, collected, heroic Pokemon we want to believe it is? Or is it simply a duck obsessed with sticks? Or is it some strange, undefined third thing altogether?

Like I’ve said twice already, Farfetch’d sends off mixed signals. And it doesn’t end there.

DID YOU KNOW?

Things are just going to finally clear up a little bit here, and you may not like what you read. Here we go.

Farfetch’d is actually based on an old Japanese proverb. In a nutshell, there was once an old woodsman out in a forest cutting wood. Unfortunately, because he wasn’t that smart, he simply got lost in the woods. Time passed, and, tired from the work he’d done, he grew very hungry. He was afraid of starving, so he simply prayed. He prayed for something to eat.

Are you sure you're ready for this?

Are you sure you’re ready for this?

At that exact moment, his prayers were answered. A duck carrying a leek in its mouth waddled up to the woodsman, and offered itself as a meal. This is what Farfetch’d is based on. From his story came a Japanese phrase, “A duck comes bearing green onions.” Basically, this means something surprising, but convenient. And why is that? Because you cook duck with green onions. The duck in the story was carrying with it the things needed to prepare it. And this is what Farfetch’d is based on.

Then, other Pokedex entries state that Farfetch’d is nearly extinct because people are overhunting it for eating purposes. To my knowledge this is the only example of people eating Pokemon in the game, but the main point is that it serves to confirm what Farfetch’d is actually based on. It is neither hero to all Pokemon, nor is it a strange, obsessive bird.

No. It’s lunch. As much as we may all like Farfetch’d, it’s never been viewed as anything serious by GameFreak. To them, it is, and has always been, lunch.

USING FARFETCH’D IN BATTLE

stats via pokemondb

stats via pokemondb

Is this real or is this just fantasy

Is this real or is this just fantasy

And this further confirms it. Farfetch’d is a joke. You should never use Farfetch’d. It has Little Cup-tier stats, but is a fully evolved Pokemon. That alone should be enough, but, if you want to use it anyway, here’s your only real options. A Swords Dance set, because Farfetch’d’s attack is hilariously low. It’s also very slow, so don’t expect it to be able to do much.

So, you have Farfetch’d do a Swords Dance. Then you’ll need all the power you can get, so Brave Bird and Return are your two best attack options for a Dual STAB. For your fourth slot you can go Agility, to try and actually pull something off but probably fail since you’d need two turns of setup to be good instead of just the one, or you can go for a fourth attack. Good options include Leaf Blade, Night Slash, Revenge, and U-Turn. If you wanna be cool you can have Farfetch’d hold its Pokemon-specific item, the Stick, or you can opt for a Life Orb for even LESS survivability at the cost of a touch more power.

Farfetch’d is absolutely atrocious in battle. If it could get a solid +200 to its Base Stats it could be good, but until then Farfetch’d will remain an obscure Japanese joke of a Pokemon. It’s a shame too, because otherwise I think Farfetch’d could be really cool, and it’s obviously got a bit of a fan base.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 5/5
Farfetch’d looks awesome. It’s definitely the kind of Pokemon, at least visually, that I’d love to take on a long journey with me where we learn from each other along the way.

DESIGN: 5/5
Once you know what Farfetch’d is based on, its design is really cool too. The whole, using its stick as a weapon is a good way to make an otherwise silly premise for a Pokemon better.

BATTLE: 1/5
Too bad it sucks in battle. Really really sucks.

WILL FARFETCHED: EVER/BE GOOD?
Farfetch’d has one hope. A Mega Evolution. Or a regular evolution, really. But there’s already more than a few Mega Farfetch’d fakes out there. Here’s one in particular I really enjoy.

OVERALL: 3.6/5

At least Farfetch’d will always look cool ;_;

#042 Golbat

AM I COOL YET GUYS?

Hey everyone. EVO was super cool these past 3 days so I was lacking the mental capacity to do this. But now EVO is over and I’m ready to continue. What’s today’s exciting Pokemon? What challenge am I tackling today?!

I know I mentioned this way back during the Blastoise entry, but the overuse of those weird triangular cat ears back in Gen 1 really bugs me now. Why does Golbat have cat ears? Why does Golbat exist? Is this the best idea they could come up with? Give Zubat some real feet, give it some eyes, and open its mouth like a horrible yawning chasm ready to swallow up all that is good and wholesome in the world?

At least it can dance with those newfound feet.

At least it can dance with those newfound feet.

I don’t know what’s worse. Golbat’s huge, creepy mouth, or the fact that there’s nothing inside. It looks like a muppet opening its mouth, revealing nothing but black felt inside. Golbat is all mouth, so how does it eat? I could open up my 3DS right now, pull my Golbat out of the PC and find out, but honestly I don’t like Golbat enough to find out.

WATCH AS I VOMIT SMOG AND DESTROY THE PLANET.

WATCH AS I VOMIT SMOG AND DESTROY THE PLANET.

There’s only one thing that I’ve ever found remotely cool about Golbat, and it’s from the console Pokemon games.

DID YOU KNOW?

I don’t know why they did this, but I like it. In all the 3D Pokemon games prior to X and Y they styled Golbat like he was Dracula.

Or at least if Dracula had a few too many drinks

Or at least if Dracula had a few too many drinks.

It’s not much of anything, but I absolutely adore this idle animation. One of the things that I disliked about Pokemon X and Y is how it got rid of a lot of the personality Pokemon had in previous 3D games based off their animations. I can understand why, because of memory limits on a handheld, and all of that stuff, but some of this stuff was really quite cool.

Sableye's getting hit animation is probably my favorite though.

Sableye’s getting hit animation is probably my favorite though.

This animation is Golbat’s ONE saving grace. Nothing else about Golbat is interesting. Nothing else about it is notable. If Golbat gets a hat one day I’ll make sure to keep you posted because that would be more notable.

AH! AH! AH!

It’s a shame that the Dracula illusion is lost when Golbat attacks, because then that awful mouth is exposed and the tongue just hangs out a whole lot. Golbat is just full of disappointments, and it wouldn’t get anything fixed until Generation 2 where it gets an evolution.

PARTY HARD

PARTY HARD

USING GOLBAT IN BATTLE

Golbat is surprisingly not bad in battle. It has no glaring 4x weaknesses, and the formerly useless ability Infiltrator was made quite good in Generation 6. So how do you work with Golbat? Eviolite, of course!

Man. I feel like I bring up Eviolite a lot. But Eviolite is Golbat’s saving grace, as it can pull off a surprisingly effective annoyance role / Toxic staller. With Infiltrator Golbat no longer has to worry about pesky Substitutes stopping its Toxic shenanigans, which will also never miss thanks to its Poison typing. Roost can heal off any HP lost, while Taunt will prevent Golbat from becoming setup bait while all this is going off. Other moves? Well, Confuse Ray can add to the shenanigans, Brave Bird is good if you’d like an actual attack, but Super Fang is generally more useful if you’re Toxic stalling. Mean Look is another option to prevent your victim from switching out, and Haze is good to negate stat boosts without worrying about Magic Bouncers.

Basically a Golbat can only perform one role in battle with any amount of skill, but its got plenty of tools to perform this job extremely well. Unfortunately, all the item removal prevalent in the meta means Golbat can turn useless in an instant if the Eviolite is removed.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 1/5
PIG DISGUSTING.

DESIGN: 2/5
It just gets bigger + it gets a mouth and eyes and feet. That’s it. It sounds like a lot on paper but it’s nothing at all and nobody likes Golbat. Nobody that matters anyway.

BATTLE: 3/5
That evolution to Crobat later made Golbat eligible for Eviolite, which is its one saving grace. Golbat can be an effective Toxic staller, just keep an eye out for any item removal running around.

1. 2. 3.: THREE GOLBATS/AH AH AH
Is Dracula even relevant anymore? Does anyone know who he is? Is Edward the new popular vampire? I’ll always take The Count over either though.

OVERALL: 2/5

Female Golbats have smaller teeth!

#041 Zubat

Great. It's THIS guy.

Great. It’s THIS guy.

Nobody likes Zubat. Sure, it can be kinda cute. I guess. If viewed in the right light, and you’re suffering from a mild astigmatism. That never happens though, and why’s that?

BECAUSE IT RESIDES ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY IN CAVES. GET IT?

BECAUSE IT RESIDES ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY IN CAVES. GET IT? Click for full.

Unlike other Pokemon, Zubat’s dislike among the community will earn no sympathy from me. No, because I’m right alongside everyone in hating this dumb blue bat. Why do we hate Zubat? Well, if you’re reading this, I’m assuming you’re at least a little bit of a Pokemon fan, and will already know why, but just in case.

Zubat. Is. EVERYWHERE. Zubat is one of the ONLY Pokemon that has appeared in every region, and it appears in several places throughout the games. As if that’s not enough, someone at GameFreak must¬†really love Zubat because in the places it appears it is almost always a 50% encounter rate at LEAST.

Which of course leads to many comics like this being created.

Which of course leads to many comics like this being created.

Zubat can not be avoided. Like a festering boil on the planet’s butt cheek a Zubat will always be there to ruin your good time. The first time Zubats were ever encountered was Mt. Moon in Generation 1 with a startling 69% chance to encounter them. Actually, no. I’m wrong. I typed 69% initially then realized that seemed wrong so I just double checked and it’s actually 79%.

Why else do people hate Zubat? Well, it’s a bit more of a shallow reason, but it’s simply because Zubat is not immediately useful. Also, it’s annoying. When you encounter a Zubat at a low level it’s going to likely know 2 moves. Leech Life, which is a laughably weak attack, making it not seem worth catching, but it’s also going to be carrying Supersonic, which can confuse you, to make simply killing it annoying. On top of all that, Zubat’s got a good Speed stat of 55, and Speed is used to calculate whether or not you can escape a Pokemon battle. All of this adds up to an INCREDIBLY annoying to deal with Pokemon.

As illustrated by JHall. Click for source.

As illustrated by JHall. Click for source.

DID YOU KNOW?

This is weak. Very weak. I was super hyped when I found out that Zubat has been in every Pokemon generation, because that’s an honor that not even Pikachu can claim. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that, for whatever reason, Psyduck and Magnemite also fall into this category, so I had to go deeper. I had to go flimsy.

NOTICE ANYTHING?

NOTICE ANYTHING?

So there it is, in all its glory. As you can see in this image (Because these are all Pokemon I’ve covered before which makes me so happy :> ) Pikachu is riding Pidgeotto, and Bulbasaur is hitching a ride by wrapping its vines around Butterfree. Also, Squirtle is… floating on nothing with Zubat? Zubat’s a flimsy Pokemon, I doubt it could hold a Squirtle anyway, but even if it could, it has no arms. The strings it calls legs are hanging out behind Squirtle, so this makes no sense whatsoever. My assumption? Well, Zubat’s wings flap really fast in the animation, so they’re probably hoping no one’ll notice.

Have an animated version to make up for how weak this portion is.

Have an animated version to make up for how weak this portion of the review is.

USING ZUBAT IN BATTLE
Little Cup only!

Choice Scarf or Choice Band. I feel like I recommend these items too much, but there’s not much in terms of defensive options in Little Cup, so sometimes you have to go all out offensive all the time. Give Zubat one of those items, send it out first, and go to town with Brave Bird. Other solid options include Steel Wing, to laugh at any Rock types that try to switch in on the Brave Bird, or Super Fang to laugh at everything defensive in general when you cut its HP in half in an instant. Pursuit works too, in case something sees the Zubat and knows they’re about to get their face kicked in. And then? Well, U-Turn is always a good option, as is Heat Wave, which a lot of Flying types get for reasons I’m unsure of.

Of course, Zubat’s Poison / Flying typing means it gets a lot of great immunities and resistances, making it also do an admirable job at Toxic stalling. Toxic never misses with a Poison type, so give Zubat some Eviolite, then add Roost, Super Fang, and Taunt to the mix. Enemies can’t buff in your face thanks to Taunt, Roost will heal off any damage Zubat takes, and Super Fang will cut in half anything’s HP, making the poison work much faster. Brave Bird is also an option if you need a real attack, but I find Super Fang works just fine for me.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 3/5
I’m not a fan of Zubat’s look by a long shot. Zubat’s got no eyes which is more unsettling than anything in my opinion.

DESIGN: 5/5
Zubat’s a great design though. No eyes really reinforces the whole echolocation that everyone knows bats do anyway, and the big scary leech mouth is cool.

BATTLE: 4/5
A wild Zubat may not be immediately useful, but a young Zubat specifically trained for battle is pretty great.

ANNOYING: 100/5
I completely forgot to mention its annoying, screechy cry. It’s the worst.

OVERALL: 4/5
4141f
Male Zubats have slightly bigger teeth than Females!

#022 Fearow

Get a load of this guy

Get a load of this guy

Spearow evolves into Fearow. Pidgey evolves into Pidgeotto, which then evolves into Pidgeot. I’m pointing this out because this is how an evolution is done. Fearow may not be the prettiest girl at the prom, but she’s completely reinvented herself and become a rebel, instead of staying the safe, squeaky clean girl that the Pidgey line was.

But let’s take a look at Fearow here. Those tiny, stubby, pink wings have have grown into huge, powerful flappy wings. The short, hooked beak is now an incredibly long, jagged monstrosity, and the cartoon-shotgun-just-backfired-on-my-face hairstyle has transformed into a spiky red mohawk. It’s not too visible in the official art, but there’s also a big bunch of white feathers on its backside that make it look like a very small polar bear is hanging on and trying to bring it down.

I couldn't find any official art of Fearow from behind, so have some fanart *Click for source

I couldn’t find any official art of Fearow from behind, so have some fanart. *Click for source

Overall Fearow is pretty stylish, and a passable evolution to an otherwise unremarkable Pokemon. It may continue to get a bad rap by the Pokemon anime and other sources of media, but I, for one, will never forget the day that my beautiful stolen Kenya evolved into this beast.

DID YOU KNOW?

That there’s absolutely nothing notable about Fearow anywhere? Seriously, this is the closest thing that I could find to interesting.

THE SIMILARITIES

THE SIMILARITIES

I don’t even want to call it a fan theory, cause it seems too silly to be an actual, real theory that some people would put any thought into (Though I’m sure there are some that have). It’s just a neat little coincidence that Fearow and Ho Oh have a lot of similarities that have led some to believe it may have originally intended to be an evolution. It’s too farfetch’d

BADUM TISH

BADUM TISH

for me to believe, but I figure someone may like to know that sometimes things can look like other things.

USING FEAROW IN BATTLE

In order for a Pokemon to be truly good it has to be able to fulfill some sort of a niche in battle. Fearow’s move pool and abilities fall in range with the generic Normal / Flying type Pokemon. 100 Speed and 90 Attack aren’t ultra amazing stats, and outclassed by the likes of Taillow, but Fearow does have a niche that makes it worth using over others.

Drill Run. I don’t know why but a lot of Fearow’s stuff revolves around drills (Its Japanese name is basically “Demon Drill”, though it can be interpreted as “Demon Bird” apparently) but it gets access to Drill Run, a decent 90 Power Ground type move that gives it an attack to use against opposing Rock and Steel types that wall the other Pokemon of this type.

Choice Band it, because we finally have a Pokemon with a decent enough Speed stat to go with a Band over a Scarf. Unfortunately, Fearow still lacks access to the always amazing Brave Bird, so it still has to settle with Drill Peck as a Flying STAB. Return is the other good option, alongside the aforementioned Drill Run. After that?¬† I dunno. U-Turn, and Pursuit are the only other good options, so I’d go with U-Turn to do some scouting as well.

ARBITRARY SCORES

APPEARANCES: 4/5
There’s a lot to like about Fearow in my opinion. Even with a bland color palette Fearow’s body shape and such make it look much more fearsome than its meeker cousin, Pidgeot.

DESIGN: 4/5
Spearow evolves into Fearow and Fearow is awesome. Fearow is also different enough from Spearow to look unique, while still retaining enough elements to recognizably be an evolution. Unfortunately, it is still just another Normal / Flying type, which loses a point.

BATTLE: 3/5
Fearow’s got a niche. A tiny niche, but a niche nonetheless. Unfortunately, a shallow move pool, weak defenses, and even below average attacking stats don’t save Fearow from the land of mediocrity.

HOLY SHIT DEMON DRILL? YES/JAPANESE NAMES ARE SILLY
Like, really silly. Try looking up Jolteon’s name in Japanese. Then look up Zapdos’s name.

OVERALL: 3.6/5

Check out those majestic wings.